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Rhune
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Episode 12 Recaps
« on: Dec 13^th, 2002, 8:56am »

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'Survivor': Ted, We Have Some Lovely Parting Gifts
Thu, Dec 12, 2002 11:48 PM PDT

by Rick Porter
Zap2it, TV News

LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) - Finally, after more than a month on the island -- and nearly three months for we poor fools watching them -- the castaways of "Survivor: Thailand" are playing the game.

At least four of the remaining five are. Ted, who lost this week's vote, just got played.

Thursday's (Dec. 12) penultimate episode opened with a montage of like creatures -- bugs, lizards, crabs -- attacking one another. That was a subtle reminder from the producers that the five castaways were all original members of Chuay Gahn, and they have to start picking each other off now.

Brian then launches into a huge metaphor about skating, and how his skates are long, or sharp, and ice is cold, and he's cold, which is good. It made no sense to us, either.

Much of the hour focused on Ted, a sure sign that he was going to get the boot. He at first tries to work with Helen and form an alliance with her and Jan to get rid of lazy-boy Clay. Helen seems receptive to the talk and says she'll bring the idea to Jan.

The reward challenge involves navigating an obstacle course to pick up tiles with English letters on them that spell out "road trip." Ted wins after Brian, thinking he's got the answer, shouts it out to Jeff Probst.

One problem, though: Brian spells "road" r-a-o-d. So Ted walks away with a new SUV, as well as a spa day of food, wine, a shower and a massage. He takes Helen with him as thanks for saving him in a past immunity challenge.

Although neither one drinks as a rule, they decide to have some wine with their meal. Ted proceeds to have too much and act exactly like you'd expect someone who doesn't drink to act.

Back at camp the next day, folks start to talk, and Helen reveals to Brian what a goof Ted was after the wine. She reveals to us that she's playing both sides, showing she's shrewder than she's shown thus far. Jan, too, has some insight, noting that the rock-solid alliances of previous games don't really exist this time around.

Brian wins immunity by completing a step-building puzzle, but it's meaningless. He'd probably have gone through regardless. At tribal council, Ted is sent packing, joining the four ex-Sook Jais on the jury.

Next week's two-hour finale crowns the million-dollar winner, then it's off to the Amazon for the sixth edition of the game in February.

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Rhune
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Re: Episode 12 Recaps
« Reply #1 on: Dec 13^th, 2002, 9:00am »

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Survivor Barbs: Teddy's Dead (Episode 12)
12.02.02
By James Barber

There once was a tribe named Chuay Gahn. They were a passive-aggressive, apathetic, petty, dysfunctional bunch, and so instantly dislikable to me that I reflexively rooted for Sook Jai until I realized Sook Jai were even more dysfunctional and petty. While Sook Jai consistently voted out the strong and kept the divisive, Chuay Gahn realized their errors and began voting out the weak and destructive. As a result, and because, for all their faults, they knew you had to work together and actually WIN CHALLENGES in order to last past the merge, they are now left in the game while Sook Jai are a faded memory. They were never a very interesting bunch, but they did what they had to do, so I will keep most of my negative remarks about Chuay Gahn as a whole in check.

Ted is gone. No real surprise there. I have heard comments that Ted is a smart player or Ted has gotten an unfair rep only because of Ghandia, but I don't buy it. Ted made plenty of mistakes all on his own. Yes, he was slandered by Ghandia, and no one deserves that. He handled that situation terribly before and after the incident, but I guess anyone can make mistakes, and he was actually calmer than most people would be after being falsely accused of assault. But Ted made so many mistakes after (losing the boat with Brian, being unpleasant to the Sook Jai members and never bothering to court their jury votes, going off on his own in the boat soon after the merge, not believing Jake's claims of CG conspiring against him), that I have a difficult time thinking of anything he actually did *right*. He was carried along, as Jan has been, and when he started to realize the poor situation he was in, he was dumped. He basically sat around for a month waiting to be picked off. While I'm sure he's a nice guy, but thinking of the potential he had back in episode 1, he turned out to be one of the most disappointing players in the history of Survivor.

At least this week we finally learned more of their strategy, but little to surprise or enlighten. So much seemed like filler (the mirror) or the usual business (winning the car that will probably be sold online at a later date). We were given no actual hint as to why Ted was voted out, except for the possibility of him being a physical threat, and I guess his double-dealing. The only thing we knew is that Clay wasn't going anywhere, because conversation after conversation revolved around him going.

Brian still apparently has multiple alliances. Jan, while obviously not as clueless as she lets people believe she is, still seems to be lowest on the totem pole (supposed final 2 alliance with Helen aside). Clay is still presented as the black sheep of CG, and presumably still has the side deal with Helen and Brian. I'm beginning to think that everyone but Jan has multiple deals, and they are kept secret because this tribe never seems to have any direct conversations in any form. Everything is one person babbling and the other person (usually Brian) nodding and grunting as if he is about to let out a big belch.

The most interesting part of the episode was seeing Helen dancing in circles and never getting dizzy. She had to convince Ted that she was on his side, and do the same with Brian. She is likely carrying a deal with Jan, although based on what she said to her husband, her main loyalty is to Brian. Helen's main trait in this game has been to keep her mouth shut as often as possible, and that has helped her. Now's the time where it may finally catch up with her. Final 4 should be a watershed moment for her, as she has to decide whether to vote out Clay or Jan, and also has to do her best to win that immunity. I will be very surprised if she lasts past final 3, because no one should want to go to final 2 with her. I think that Helen has elicited promises from people who have no intention of keeping them.

Brian is still the main man, the head honcho, the big cheese, and any other generic cliches you can come up with. Clay and Helen are glued to him, and he dictates their plans. While there is a chance that he is being manipulated, I'm not holding my breath. Brian once again gives indications of getting a hypnosis diploma off the back of a cereal box, because he keeps the crash test dummies buckled in until they hit the brick wall. How this happens, I have no idea, because the man has the charisma and vocabulary skills of Silas. I always wondered what Silas would be saying if he lasted to the end of the game, and thanks to Brian, I know now. Mr. Freeze, skating, cool as ice (anyone else keep waiting for "ice, ice, baby"?)...all that's left is "smokes" or "write me out that check." You know, if Silas were in this season, he probably *would* win. Anyway, these people have let Brian piss on them for 36 days, so what will a few more matter? He is very likely to snag the last two immunities if they are physical, and even if he doesn't, he has people who will at the very least keep him around to F3. He may even deliberately tank the final immunity in hopes of being carried along. He seems confident enough to try this. In his mind he is better than all of these people and would easily beat any of them for the million. I think he will pull it off, although I will certainly be in hysterics if he's kicked out only a day before final 2. Fitting justice.

Clay is probably being kept because he is the perfect final 2 partner. He's lazy, he's abrasive, he's a backstabber. He's also honest (to a limit) and affable, causes conversation and laughs, and those can be remembered as much as the negative times are. Clay will possibly have more support on the jury than others expect, especially if he is up against Brian. I believe that Clay will be far less cold and condescending in front of a jury than Brian will be. Clay really doesn't have to work for final 4 immunity, but he's going to need 3 if Helen and Brian are his competition. Helen will absolutely not want to keep him.

Jan...Jan has been the kindler, gentler, much more likable version of Kim Johnson. Jan lets everyone else pick each other off while she sits in the background singing How Dry I Am. She does what she is told and is apparently such a nonentity to the others that she has rarely even been approached about alliances or the next vote. Jake has said Jan told him she was content at just making the jury, and even though there is a sparkle in her eye which indicates she wants more, I think the jury will be exactly where she ends up.

It's a strange final 4, not because of who is left, but because of who is worth rooting for. Most of them have sort of stumbled into the final round. I find myself rooting against people, wanting to see someone *not* win instead of cheering for a favorite. Still, I'd really enjoy a Clay or Helen victory.

My best guess for the final 4 order would be:

4. Jan
3. Helen
2. Clay
1. Brian (wins with a vote of 4-3 or 5-2)

Next week is the big, padded, three-ring finale. As Jeff somewhat bafflingly says in the promo, "there's no singing or dancing here." If the best Jeff and/or Mark Burnett can do after such a lackluster season is take weak shots at "American Idol" or "Star Search" (which is inheriting the Survivor timeslot in less than a month), then that says a lot more about the quality of the finale than they intended. No one ever expected singing and dancing in the Survivor finale. All we want is compelling drama and moments that aren't edited with all the subtlety and skill of Lizzie Borden, dropped from the skies to give us a concussion an hour before the episode ends (a la Tina/Colby being partners all along). Hopefully that will be the case.

See you next week.

--

James Barber, [email protected]

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Rhune
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Re: Episode 12 Recaps
« Reply #2 on: Dec 15^th, 2002, 7:20pm »

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Rogers: over and out
By STEVE TILLEY
Edmonton Sun

And then there four. The slimy dwarf, the cold-hearted porn star, the clueless granny and the intense naval instructor. This, after the bumbling sasquatch got voted off last night. Yes, ladies and not-ladies, we've got ourselves a bunch of winners here.

Oh, don't mind me. I've just got the Survivor's-almost-over-and-soon-we-can-all-have-our-lives-back blues, wondering, as I'm sure you are too, what I'll do on Thursday nights. Go out with friends? Read a good book? Lie down next to the town jezebel? It all seems so empty somehow, so soul-suckingly devoid of meaning. What kind of life is a life without Survivor?

Yeah, OK, I'm not even convincing myself here. With the punting last night of Ted Rogers (man, times must be tough in the cable business if a guy's got to go on a reality show to make ends meet), the final four heading into next week's series finale are Clay, Brian, Jan and Helen. Quite possibly the dullest four castaways out of the original group of 16. Man, I miss crazy Ghandia and fiery Shii-Devil and dirt-stupid Robb (yes, just plain Robb) and bustacular Erin so much right now. In fact, that's your final four dream team right there. And by your, I mean your. My own final four dream team would be Erin, Erin, Erin and Erin. (Hey, if the professor on Gilligan's Island could build a 36-passenger trans-oceanic zeppelin out of coconut shells, bamboo shoots and snot, why couldn't the castaways on Survivor figure out some way to clone themselves?)

FRIZZLE IS IN THE HIZZLE, YO! - OK, I retract my prediction that porn star Brian would be the sole survivor. While he is definitely playing the game for all he's worth, he's being portrayed as far too conniving and evil to be the ultimate winner. Last night he made some sort of odd speech about how the best skater would win the game, because it's all about sliding and gliding and being cold and slippery and falling on your butt when you could have scored the game-winning goal in the dying minutes and all the other kids are either laughing or waiting to beat you up in the locker room. Ahem. "Mr. Freeze is in the house ... got my skates on," said Brian, who's apparently contracted malaria and is fever-dreaming of his days filming Dick Studd Goes to the Ice Capades. Chill out, Brian. Ha ha! Get it?

MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL, WHO'S THE GROSSEST ONE OF ALL? BESIDES CLAY, OF COURSE -- In an inspired bit of time-wastery - yes, I just made that word up - the survivors were given a full-length mirror with which to admire their skinny, haggard, wrinkly selves. Clay looked absolutely bereft by his old man appearance, Ted commented that his cannons are now nine millimetres (he means his "guns" ie. his arms, unless his luxury item was a Mac-10 - oh, now wouldn't that have been sweet), Jan laughed at how she's lost her bosoms (check in the general vicinity of your knees, grandma) and Helen figured she still looks fat, despite the fact she could easily play hide and seek behind a stalk of bamboo. Profound sigh. Women.

BRIAN SPELLED WRONG IS BRAIN. HOW IRONIC -- As predicted, the reward challenge was for a new SUV, which involved this ridiculously complicated race to collect eight letter tiles and use them to spell an activity. Hilarity quickly ensued when the boob brigade didn't understand what host Jeff Probst meant when he said "You're standing on the first letter," and they all had to backtrack to their starting blocks to get the first tile. Brian collected his letters first and proclaimed his victory aloud when he told Jeff he had the answer: road trip. Only, he spelled it "RAOD TRIP." Good job, moron! Ted quickly snaked the answer and actually spelled it right, giving him the keys to the car (the make and model of which I'll specify just as soon as they give ME a free one and/or hell freezes over) and a day at Thai spa. Ted chose Helen as his spa companion, and the two ate and drank like there was no tomorrow. Which Ted probably wished had been the case, since he wolfed down so much food and got so loaded, the tree monkeys were probably feasting on his leavings for months to come. Ted was not exactly demure when all drunked up, bellowing like a joyful bigfoot at being able to eat a great meal, drink a bottle of wine, shower, brush his teeth, wear silk jammies and have a comely Thai lass massage his generous butt. OK, I'd be bellowing like a bigfoot too. Or at least a yeti. If not a Loch Ness monster. Does the Loch Ness monster bellow? Probably. You'd be crabby too if you had to live in Scotland.

REPTILE IN PORN STAR'S CLOTHING -- Yeeks, when did Brian get so freaky and cold and manipulative? Before last night's Tribal Council, Brian described the three people who he could count on and/or throw on the sacrificial altar if need be: Jan, the disposable grandma; Helen, his loyal soldier; and Uncle Clay. (Ooo, there's a scary image. "Hey kids, Uncle Clay is here! Come sit on his lap and give him a big kiss!" Man, I'd check myself into a foster home before his butt hit the chair.) As he was counting off his minions on his fingers, he ended up "accidentally" giving the bird to the camera. Hey! Kids are watching this show! They don't need to be seeing stuff like that! Stick to the lying, backstabbing and greed already!

WIN SOME, LOSE SOME -- I would have much rather seen Ted make it to the final four than Clay, but hey - while he may have sometimes lapsed into doofusness, he did survive 30-odd days on the island (not to mention the whole Ghandia affair), and he won a brand new SUV. So when he was punted by a vote of four to one, he walked off with his head held high. Only to bonk it against a low-hanging ceiling beam. D'oh! (Yes, that's what we call dramatic license.)

NEXT WEEK -- This is it, baby! Three Tribal Councils! Two immunity challenges! One sole survivor! And zero reason to care! Tune in for all three hours of fun in the final episode of Survivor: Thailand! That is, if you're not too busy sculpting your nose hair into interesting little topiary shapes. Look, ma, there's a giraffe in my left nostril!

P.S. The smart money's on Helen. You heard it here first.

P.PS. If Jan wins, I'll cry. (More on Survivor:Thailand.)

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