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BlankWillWin
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Rupert is cool
« on: Jan 2^nd, 2004, 12:28pm »

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www.timesstar.com/Stories/0,1413,125~1549~1865105,00.html
Friday, January 02, 2004

Your guide to what's hot and what's not as 2003 ends
By Elizabeth Jardina, STAFF WRITER

AS we plunge into the new year -- perhaps with a bit of a headache from last night -- we'd like to take a final look at what's hot and what's not.

What pop-culture figures have burned through their 15 minutes of fame (Ashton Kutcher) and which ones have just entered the ring of coolness (Rupert Boneham from the latest "Survivor")?

The year 2003 taught us that "Friends," which was before so charming and familiar, could grow ridiculously dull, that The Osbournes aren't such a fun family after all, and that maybe pasta -- not beef or chocolate -- is dietary enemy No.1.

Of course remember, this is all for fun. Just because you love Harry Potter (while we think he's been supplanted by deliciously wicked Lemony Snicket), that doesn't mean that we can't sit down for a lovely cup of green tea (very cool and healthy) and crepes (so much fresher than bagels) together.

What? You still love chai (so last year) and Krispy Kremes (sigh)?

Well, that's OK too. You see, hipster snobbishness is out, while cheerful acceptance is in.

Musicians

All in-out lists must begin with taking the cool-o-meter reading on Madonna. We're sorry, but it's true. Here's the score: Madonna-the-children's-author: out. Madonna-the-pop-star: out. (Did anybody listen to "American Life"? Oh, you did? Our condolences.) Madonna-the-actress: Way, way out. Madonna-the-yoga-mom: in.

Now we can go on.

2003 was the year that creepily erotic bubble-gum pop sputtered and finally died. Britney, we hardly knew ye.

Replacing it are two distinct trends: The innocence of childhood (the opposite of smoking, cursing, drinking, nekkid Britney), epitomized by the clean-living Hilary Duff and the ubiquitous Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, which are in for the tween set.

MTV, therefore, is out, while the Disney Channel gets a nod.

For older brothers and sisters, goth -- last declared dead in 1997 -- was revitalized by those black-clad, platinum-selling youngsters in Evanescence and a newly raven-tressed Christina Aguilara. (How dear Xtina has managed to stay cool is mysterious, but indubitably true.)

The torch of the sensitive male singer-songwriter has passed from lanky John Mayer (whose full lips and guitar chops were, in 2003, a wonderland) to the Irish emoter Damien Rice. (You haven't heard his single, "Volcano"? Don't worry. You will. )

Rice and his singing companion Lisa Hannigan are also riding another trend: Men and women who sing together. Gone are the pop groups segregated by gender (N*Sync, Spice Girls, Destiny's Child). Another example are the male-female duets on the Postal Service's excellent 2003 album "Give Up."

The winner of the trend-that-wasn't award in 2003 is easily garage rock. The White Stripes' "Elephant," a critical grand slam, has sold about

700,000 copies, not the millions that were predicted. And while we're at it, we think lovely, percussive Meg White is the more "in" half of the duo, compared to her rowdy and overexposed counterpart Jack White.

As for relics of the 1990s, Celine Dion, long uncool, has experienced a strange renaissance with her Las Vegas show. Got that? Celine is uncool, but take her to Radiant City and poof! Cool.

Finally, they don't need any more good press, but we can't resist declaring Apple's iPod the hot way to listen to your music, in 2003 and 2004.

Celebrity-mania

Without a doubt, the breakout celebrities of 2003 were the Fab Five from Bravo's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Carson, Jai-with-an-I, Thom-with-an-H, Ted and Kyan are consequently in an odd position. They are both in and out right this second, but their hipness is rapidly fading, like a spray-on tan past its prime.

Love them ardently right now, but remember, there are only so many times that you can tell men that they should soften their beards by showering before shaving. It's no revelation that living in squalor isn't exactly the ticket to being a chick magnet. Women have confiscated their male partners' pleated pants and ill-fitting T-shirts acquired for free.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and "Queer Eye" is its name. By February, the "Queer Eye" guys will have gone the way of "Will and Grace," the most appallingly bad formerly good show on TV. You heard it here first, kids.

(By the way, queer is the winner of the award for the word that was formerly unacceptable in mixed company but now is becoming OK.)

In the reality-TV vein, we have to give one more shout-out to troubled-teens mentor Rupert Boneham, for whom we are already cheering in "Survivor: All Stars."

On a related note, pirates are out. You may be confused. Bushy-bearded Rupert was the epitome of a pirate, right? And "Pirates of the Caribbean" was a big hit. And there's the endlessly entertaining Pirate Store at 826 Valencia St. in San Francisco.

But that's it. It's tired. And anyway, Rupert wasn't so much a pirate as a cuddly superhero. After all, pirates do not fish for their companions and freely give away their catch. Arr, matey. Visit the Pirate Store (no, really, visit it; it's cool) and then let that trend drift out to the high seas.

While we recognize the trend of starlets paired with rockers (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin of Coldplay, Nicole Kidman and her now-platonic pal Lenny Kravitz, Rene Zellwegger and Jack White), the hotter one is celebrity pregnancies (which puts now-preggers Gwyneth in even more). Led by charming Reese Witherspoon, the celebrity baby bulge hasn't been a hotter accessory since Demi Moore appeared naked and with child on the cover of "Vanity Fair" all those years ago.

Meanwhile, we would like to put a moratorium on celebrity fragrances. (Jennifer Lopez, are you listening?) Who cares what kind of perfumes celebrities wear? Really.

Comeback of the year has to go to Ellen DeGeneres, who has easily overtaken increasingly weird Rosie O'Donnell as our favorite lesbian daytime talk-show host.

Cult TV channel of the year is, without a doubt, BBC America. Available only to digital cable and satellite subscribers in the Bay Area, no other channel has as many shows with impassioned followings: "Changing Rooms," "Coupling," "What Not to Wear" and "The Office."

Likewise, we'll make a blanket statement that any American remake of a BBC show is out. (That list includes NBC's now-cancelled "Coupling," TLC's "Trading Spaces" and TLC's "What Not to Wear.")

Fashion

Please cut this sentence out of your newspaper and stick it on your teenage daughter's bedroom door: Midriffs hanging out are out.

While belly buttons have drifted in and out of style throughout the ages (see Mary Ann from "Gilligan's Island" and Barbara Eden in "I Dream of Jeannie"), abs have been the most fetishized body part for what seems like forever.

Combined with ever-lowering trouser waistlines, every gal from pre-teen to post-yuppie has been showing off a bit of belly and hipbone -- some of them more belly than bone.

And we're sick of it. (We're especially sick of low-riding pants causing unintentional moonings when people bend over or sit down. Culprits, you know who you are.) If you're going to continue to wear excessively low-rise pants, tuck your shirts in. We're serious. It's cool now.

Elsewhere in women's fashion, we're wild about hosiery, especially brightly colored tights and knee socks, which look terrific with Mary Janes.

That slightly retro style goes with another huge trend in women's fashion: bangs. Get out the scissors. (On the hair out list? Platinum blonde dye jobs. Who has the time for upkeep?)

Three cheers for the trend of plus-sized women's lingerie. Enough with the baggy sweats!

On another lingerie note, we're going to shock you here: The thong is out. Sure, it's nice to live a panty-line-free life, but a girl can only do so much for fashion. Can't imagine a life without thongs? Try instead boy-cut briefs, which come straight across the thigh just below the bum. You don't get panty-lines, and you can live in comfort.

For a while, an artfully placed artificial-flower brooch was the "Sex and the City"-inspired hot item. No more, but we do encourage you to wear fresh flowers in your hair, even when it's not a special occasion.

Finally, ladies, throw away your aviator sunglasses. Replace them with a pair of sunglasses with rose-colored lenses. Everything will look prettier.

And how could we forget the men? 2003 was, after all the year of the metrosexual -- heterosexual men who care deeply about clothes, hair, shopping and personal grooming. Case in point: Gov. Ahnold, whose movies showed us that he has a persistently tanned and gleaming chest, nary a hair in sight. He probably gets manicures and pedicures, too.

Well guys, don't worry that you might have to wax your backs. We think 2004 will be the year of the manly man. Case in point: Rupert Boneham. (Yes, we can mention him in every section.)

Food and dining

Cheap wine (a la Two-Buck Chuck) was one of the biggest food stories of 2003, but in 2004, the story is old-fashioned cocktails. Drink a gimlet (2 ounces gin, 3/4 ounce Rose's Sweetened Lime Juice, in a chilled martini glass), and make it with a really lovely gin. Splurge.

Why not $2 wine? Here's why: You shouldn't be drinking so much that buying slightly higher-end booze will break the bank. Really. Sober up. Put down the wine glass and have a cup of coffee. Yes, we live in wine country, but let's not get out of control.

Actually, maybe don't have coffee. After all, cheese shops are the new coffee shops. Wouldn't you rather be able to taste the difference between Stilton and Pt. Reyes blue cheese than the difference between Columbian light and Kenyan dark coffees, which, let's face it, taste pretty much the same?

Another huge story in 2003 was all things Atkins, including the untimely death of esteemed (and simultaneously maligned) Dr. Robert Atkins, who died in April after a fall on an icy sidewalk.

With the word "carb" in the common lexicon, the food of sin has changed dramatically. A plate of pasta is now a naughty indulgence, while a juicy steak is health food, although recent news reports about mad cow disease may (maybe unfairly) make beef an "out."

Speaking of which, 2003 was the year in which headlines announced that practically everything is a health food -- chocolate, wine, cheese, nuts. So much for moderation. (Again, our poster boy: Rupert!)

While we predict that the Discovery Health Channel will be the TV destination of choice in 2004, 2003 belonged to the Food Network.

The Food Network personality of the year that we're most tired of is our old favorite, Emeril Lagasse (unable to pronounce "jalapeo"), while we can't get enough of Alton Brown (knows the chemical composition of a jalapeo).

In dining, no-frills Indian joints are the no-frills sushi joints of 2004. We were always a little uncomfortable with the idea of discounted raw fish, to tell you the truth.

South American-fusion restaurants are the new Asian-fusion restaurants. How many dishes can one add sesame oil to?

Fois gras is a faux pas. Goose liver was much embattled this year in Bay Area restaurants, with chefs who serve it receiving creepy threats from animal activists. Sending threats to chefs is definitely out, but we're not wild about eating goose liver, either.

And finally, the most important category of all: The trendy fruit scent of 2004 for candles, bath gels and potpourri is (drumroll please) pomegranate! Throw away your kiwi- and fig-scented lotions.

Lifestyles

The biggest hipster-trend-turned-dud of 2003 was definitely Friendster.com. Here's the concept: The way to meet new people is through the people you already know. You were supposed to create an online profile of yourself and then link to your friends' profiles. There was an entertaining five minutes worth of finding out how many degrees of separation there were between the people in your life, but after that, we didn't understand the point.

Log off. Meet a friend for a cup of tea and a piece of cheese -- in person.

But when you do, switch off your cell phone. If it's been said once, it's been said a thousand times, but the monster that is cell phones in public is growing, especially with land lines on their way out.

Instead of text messaging (the dumbest trend of 2003, by far), keep your hands busy with knitting. Judging by the folks who ride BART, the home arts (knitting, embroidery, crocheting) are catching on with the younger generation in leaps and bounds. Or purls and cross-stitches.

Speaking of transportation, the product safety recall of the Segway personal transporter (as well as President Bush falling off his last summer) has put it solidly on the out list. The in thing in 2004 (and for about the last, oh, 5,000 years) is walking.

If you're headed far away, sadly you can't take the Concorde, as the trans-Atlantic plane took its last flight in 2003. But that's just fine, because the trend in 2004 is away from international travel and toward good old road trips.

Finally, we'll end with a mysterious note: Red is in. Orange is out. Discuss.

We'll see you in 2005.

You can e-mail Elizabeth Jardina at [email protected] or call (650) 348-4327.

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Eric.

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