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Topic: Talk To Your Teenagers (Read 230 times)

luci
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Talk To Your Teenagers
« on: Jan 27^th, 2005, 11:19am »

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....taken from Katie Couric's special last night on NBC

We swore we wouldn't be as uptight about sex as our parents were. But then we became parents ourselves and discovered that talking about it isn't so easy. We've all heard the horror stories of kids growing up way too fast, having oral sex at ridiculously young ages. As a parent, I'm as confused and overwhelmed as you might be. And like so many of you, I want to lay down the foundation that will help my children make the right choices. When they're 30 -- just kidding. Of course, it's your decision, but ideally we'd like you to look through this special report with your teens. Who knows? It could jumpstart a conversation that might be long overdue.
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On a tranquil Saturday morning in Florida, teenagers from across America traded stories that would send any parent into a tail spin.

Erin: I heard girls when I was in sixth grade like the first day. I'm behind these girls in lunch line. Theyre like, you're not a virgin? Theres no way you're a virgin. I was in sixth grade. I was like, are you serious?

Kameron: The most horrific one at my school was supposedly during gym class, a bunch of guys were in the bathroom for a long time and they were in a line and the girl was in the bathroom.

Natalia: I was in a journalism classroom and we could hear through the bathroom vent and so every time anybody was having sex, we like run in there and say caught or whatever.

They converged from all over the map, from the suburbs and rural communities, big cities and small towns. Their destination was the sun-drenched island of Key Biscayne. There, at a waterfront home, NBC News brought together 20 teens, kids between the ages of 13 and 17, with diverse economic backgrounds, religions, ethnicities and viewpoints.

They all had one thing in common. They were willing to tackle the controversial and sensitive question that makes adults, especially parents, fumble: What's really going on with teens and sex?

Courtni: I'm 17 from Utah. Most of the kids I know, they don't make it past their 16th birthday without losing their virginity..

Galen: I'm 16 years old and I'm from New Jersey. I think oral sex usually starts younger than sex.

Amie: I'm 15 years old and I live in Louisiana. You don't want to just have sex with the first person you think you're in love with. You need to wait to find out what is love before you can have sex.

A Katie Couric Special

FROM THE EXPERTS

Advice for talking to your teens
Book: Dealing with teen peer pressure
Book: The dangers facing teens

In 48 hours, amidst the lights, cameras and raging hormones, the kids got to know each other and we got an earful. Of course, there were ground rules for this weekend in paradise: no drinking, no drugs and no hanky panky. The teens were constantly supervised and at night, they bunked with their parents at a hotel.

But they were under strict instructions to have innocent fun. A few had come with friends from home. Most were complete strangers, though you never would have guessed it. Within hours after meeting they had made themselves at home. We were surprised at how comfortable they were in front of the cameras, how quickly they bonded, how swiftly sexual tension filled the air.

It was a glimpse at the mysterious world of teenagers, a world that seems like a secret society -- at least to most parents.

Garon: I'm 15 and I'm from New Hampshire. I wish I could talk to my parents about how hard it is to be a teenager because it's a lot harder than they think. And they think school is like that. But I don't think my parents could walk a day in my shoes.

To walk in their shoes, you need to learn their language, terms like "hooking up," "friends with benefits" and the bases these days are a whole new ball game.

Maia: I'm 14 and I live in Oregon. First would be like kissing; second base would be like making out; third would be, like oral sex.

Almost every parent has heard some shocking story but we wanted to get the truth behind the rumor mill. So along with PEOPLE Magazine, NBC News commissioned an unprecedented national poll of 1,000 teens between the ages of 13 and 16. Using scientific methods, the survey provides some of the first real numbers on the sexual attitudes and behaviors of young teens.

14 percent of 13 and 14-year-olds say they are sexually active, which means they have gone beyond kissing. That number jumps to 41 percent when kids reach 15 and 16.

Kierstin: Our generation is supposed to be known as the wild one, anyway. I mean it's been the wild one.

We not only questioned 1000 teens, we also polled their parents. And not surprisingly, the generation gap still exists. In fact, it may be wider than ever.

27 percent of young teens say they have been with someone in an intimate or sexual way.

But according to our poll, half of the parents of those teens think their kids have done nothing more than kiss.

Kierstin: It's everybody else but your own child, that's the denial part of it.

Katie Couric: I think you'll probably agree with me that most parents like myself are pretty much clueless.

Clueless and, in the case of our parents, concerned.

Amie, Beth's mom: I worry about them emotionally, too. I think they're too young. You know the 60's and the free love. That was college-aged kids. It wasn't junior high kids.

If grown-ups are freaked out by what's going on now, these teens say the stuff that did or didn't go on way back when is "so old school."

Natalia: I mean you watch shows from like the 60s and stuff and they had separate beds.

Couric: Oh yeah, Lucy and Ricky.

Natalia:: I mean, like, you know the Beavers or whatever.

Couric: The Cleavers. Beaver was the son. What do you all think when you see movies like that and TV shows like that? And things that portray sex like that?

Garon: Love wasn't tossed around as much. Like in my high school, everyone's like, oh I love you, and two weeks later you see them breaking up. But in the 50s they say I love you and then they get married and they have little Betty running around.

Couric: You dont see many little Bettys running around do you anymore?

What they are seeing today are sexual images everywhere, on the Internet, in music videos, at the movies, on television. But some teens say the images are so ubiquitous, they don't even faze them.

Natalia: It's become so common that you don't even think about it anymore in the music. It's just like you find yourself singing along to it, but not really understanding what you're singing.

Erin: I mean you get used to it. It's on TV so often. It's everywhere. Every TV channel has commercials with like half-naked women nowadays.

Couric: So have you become desensitized?

Group: Yeah.

But are they really that unaffected? When pressed, many of these kids admitted they are shaped by what they see and hear.

Garon: I think the kids like the image of rap, to be like the hot dude with the nice tims and the stuff and the bling bling.

Kameron: I personally think if you're going to call someone a ho then, that your respect for them drops down to nil, in my opinion. You know young men who are going to look up to these rappers as role models, are going to start, in my opinion, treating their girlfriends this way.

Amie: Every girl nowadays stands in front of her mirror and tries to look like these girls on TV. Even if you don't think you're influenced by it at all. Everything you look at has sex has either girls or sexy thing, sexy clothing. It's going to subconsciously affect you in some way.

And if it has seeped into their subconscious, apparently, it has also influenced their dance moves. No one really knows the impact today's culture is having on the way today's teens behave, but one thing is clear, at least from our group. They're definitely not shy about talking about sex.

Kierstin: I'm 16 and I'm from Georgia. I don't think oral sex should be expected in a relationship, but unfortunately, I think it is expected in a relationship.

********************************************

Ten keys to effective communication with your teen!

Enter their world be curious about their interests (music, sports, movies, etc.) Let them educate you (even if you find their choices a bit offensive.)
Get to know their friends and remember just because someone has blue hair and an earring it doesnt make them an ax-murderer. (Remember Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver.)
Be sure you have their attention. Dont try to talk to them on the run. (eg: Catch them when theyre captive in the car, having a late night snack, etc.)
Start conversations on a positive note. Use a compliment (eg: You know I really enjoy your sense of humor, youre a neat kid, etc.)
Match their moves. If theyre really down about something or excited get into it with them. (eg: a cute guy just called them on the phone.)
Ask questions which promote discussion. (eg: How did you feel about your friend getting suspended from school for making out in the hallway?)
Tell stories about yourself. Share some embarrassing moments relevant to their experience.
Make sure your conversations are give and take. That is, your teenager should talk roughly as much as you do. (A one-sided parental lecture is not a good conversation.)
Remind them that you care about them even when they have made a mistake.
Try to spend at least ten minutes a day in active conversation.
Adapted from Meg Meeker's "Epidemic: Raising Great Teens in a Toxic Sexual Culture" (LifeLine Press 2004)

Know that they want to hear from you! Teens say their parents have the greatest influence on their sexual decision making; more than friends, teachers, and the media.
Let your teen know that you like her. (They all believe that their parents love them out of obligation, but she will open up to you more if she knows that you like who she is as a person.)
Talk less, listen more. Don't know how to start conversations? Ask questions about his friends. Let him know that you're genuinely interested and then listen when he responds. Eventually move toward asking questions about his own feelings about a variety of issues. And listen when he answers.
Don't use every conversation to "teach" or "prove" a point. Sometimes it is important to simply hear him out.
Make eye contact frequently. This lets her know that you are really listening.
Sit down when you need to have a heart to heart. There's nothing more inviting to a teen (or anyone else) than to see a loved one taking the time to sit and listen.
Don't interrupt. You don't like to be interrupted, neither does he.
Establish early on in the conversation that you are on her team. You are not the enemy. This bears frequent repeating throughout the teen years.
Be honest about how you feel about him being sexually active. If you feel he should wait, tell him so in a positive, compassionate way. Let him know that it's tough, but that you believe in his ability to have self control
Don't be anything other than who you are. Teens hate dishonesty and when adults try to act like kids, they shut down. They won't trust you. So, if you're not cool, don't try to act like you are. Then, he'll really listen.
Prep yourself. When it's time for tough conversations, about sex, drinking, etc, have a conversation with yourself first, to get a few things straight. First, remind yourself of the reality that she really wants to hear what you have to say and furthermore, she needs to know how you feel. Believe it or not, teens really do want their parent's input!
Don't always disagree. Find common ground in your conversations whenever possible. Tell him that he had a great idea. Compliment him on thinking of a terrific plan or what he thought about a movie. This will make him want to talk with you later.

Adapted from Neil Bernsteins "How to Keep Your Teenagers Out of Trouble and What to Do if You Cant" (Workman Publishing, 2001)
NOTE: For more information on last night's special, go to www.msnbc.com

« Last Edit: Jan 27^th, 2005, 11:29am by luci »

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bec
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Re: Talk To Your Teenagers
« Reply #1 on: Jan 27^th, 2005, 12:12pm »

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As a mother of a soon to be 16 year old stories like this are all too familar.

my daughter and i have a great relationship and we can talk openly and honestly about anything!! My daughter is NOT sexually active ( and no I'm not being a blind parent) but we talk about how many of her friends are and how young they started.

My daughters friends are constantly at our place....apparantly I'ma "cool" mum and most talk to me about things they would'nt dare mention to their own parents.

I was horrified one night about a year ago when there was about 12 kids here and we started talking about sex.......most had no shame about admitting what they had done and how far they were prepared to go. Mostly kids seem to think that oral sex isn't "real" sex.......my personal opinion....is I feel that oral sex is far more intimate and personal then intercourse.....now I don't want to gross anyone out here but as I said to the kids....... it's the same mouth you kiss your parents goodnight/ goodbye with Huh

? I was amazed at how willing the girls were to give a B...job to just about any boy. When I asked why they would be happy to do it many girls replied ......if he's cute and he asks for it why not Huh

? WHY NOT? Good lord........seems to me that girls have learnt nothing over these last few decades.........boys/men.....they still truly believe that by having sex with a boy means that he really likes you and if he doesn't already like you then having sex will definately get him to like you. I told my daughters friends the only thing it will get them is a bad reputation and worse...an STD! Anyway I guess it's a subject that will be debated for years and years....and sadly may never change.

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Rhune
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Re: Talk To Your Teenagers
« Reply #2 on: Jan 27^th, 2005, 2:44pm »

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Once again, I know my views are going to be widely in the minority here, but I would rather my boys get laid at least once in high school than save it for marriage. Not so much with girls, but with the boys I knew that did not ever have sex a single time in high school, the vast majority had weird issues with sex and their self esteem involving their sexuality by the time they hit about 19 or 20 years old. Many of them had addictions to pornography as a result, and just had a hard time relating to girls in a sexual or romantic manner. Now in the same token I don't want my boys to be the town ho's, but I think it's better for mental development if they do experience some sexual activity at least once during those years, when most normal kids are also experimenting with it. I do have a double standard on this. I think girls in general handle sexual identity and the whole sex vs. virginity much better than boys do, and granted there is a lot less pressure on them regarding sex from peers during those years than boys get. I don't think it's necessary for girls to have sex in highschool to turn out "normal" but I do think many boys develop weird issues if they don't.

« Last Edit: Jan 27^th, 2005, 2:46pm by Rhune »

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luci
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Re: Talk To Your Teenagers
« Reply #3 on: Jan 27^th, 2005, 3:01pm »

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I can list more than a whole page of boys/men I know personally that did not have sex in highschool, however, I will agree that no normal female is impressed with a man who hasn't had a bit of experience.

BUT, this special is about teens as young as 12 [which is not even a teen!]
having oral sex and thinking nothing of it. To them it isn't sex Roll Eyes

The way I see it, anything below the belt is sex.

And I did tell our daughters when they fall in love and think they want to marry a guy, make sure you "know" him. Making vows forever is a long long time!

« Last Edit: Jan 27^th, 2005, 3:02pm by luci »

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Rhune
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Re: Talk To Your Teenagers
« Reply #4 on: Jan 27^th, 2005, 3:33pm »

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Yeah, I'm not keen on the idea of 12 year olds having sex or oral sex. When I think of an average "normal" age for experiencing some sexual activity, in my mind I'm thinking of the 16-18 year old range.

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Rupey
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Re: Talk To Your Teenagers
« Reply #5 on: Jan 27^th, 2005, 4:04pm »

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My views on this subject are VERY conservative.

Perhaps those boys who'd never had a sexual experience in high school and seemed weird were that way more because of their parents. Maybe their parents hadn't openly talked with them about sex. Maybe one or more of their parents weren't demonstrative with love at home. Maybe these guys never saw their parents kiss or embrace.

I know teenage guys who have pledged themselves to abstinence until marriage. They are very well-adjusted, very mature, and know what they plan to do with their lives.

« Last Edit: Jan 27^th, 2005, 4:09pm by Rupey »

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bec
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Re: Talk To Your Teenagers
« Reply #6 on: Jan 27^th, 2005, 6:55pm »

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I agree with you rhune........i don't agree with waiting for Marriage before sex.....Hell If I'd done that Not only would i have been a 35 year virgin when i married I would never of had my daughter!

Boys begin to have sex at a younger age then girls........I've never once heard of a boy say " gee if sleep with this girl she'll really like me".....the motives for having sex are different for both sexes.

I'm just amazed at the casual attitude so many youngsters have towards sex....like it's no big deal.

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luci
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Re: Talk To Your Teenagers
« Reply #7 on: Jan 27^th, 2005, 7:07pm »

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An experienced MAN is still best Wink

These young men I know are now married and apparently very well adjusted in their life. College takes away the shyness!

In my opinion, anything below the belt is sex! And these kids do not think oral sex is sex. Then what do you call it? Aren't they concerned with where the person has already been or hasn't been! Shocked

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