Metropolis Reality Forums - 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers

Sponsored by: The Fans!

Welcome, Guest. Please Login or Register.
Nov 25^th, 2024, 7:38am

Upcoming Premiere Dates:
Survivor 23, Season premiere
Thursday, September 14 (8:00-9:30 PM, ET/PT) on CBS

Metropolis Reality Forums Ť 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers ť

   Metropolis Reality Forums
   Off-Topic Forums
   In the News (Moderators: lakelady, yesteach, MediaScribe, Bumper, Isle_be_back)
   20 ways to monkey with telemarketers

Previous topic | New Topic | Next topic »

Pages: 1

Add Poll

Notify of replies

Send Topic

Author

Topic: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers (Read 223 times)

lakelady
ForumsNet Moderator
Moderator
ForumsNet Member

Posts: 11251

20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« on: May 3^rd, 2005, 8:07am »

Quote

Modify

20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
Compiled by Amy C. Fleitas Bankrate.com

Telemarketers are the ones we love to hate. Not only are their calls unsolicited and annoying, but they seem to come just as you are sitting down to eat or hopping into the shower.

What do you do? Hang up on the caller or politely decline to listen? Get mad?

Some people have made an art of playing with the telemarketers and getting a few chuckles along the way. We asked you to send in your clever responses to telemarketers' calls. Here are the best of the pranks.

Speak to the little lady of the house
We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin!

Give them the man of the house
When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.

Have I got a deal for you
Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call.

I do
Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.

You have reached my voicemail
Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep."

Funny you called
"You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just (do, buy) it and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."

From a country song
"I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call."

Have you planned for the future?
When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.

Reply in gibberish
Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language.

She's not here
I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out.

And you are?
I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?

Keep talking
Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!

What did I win?
Sometimes I'll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I've won a prize. I'll exclaim, "I've never won anything in my life!" Then I'll ask for details on when and how my prize will be sent to me. And no matter how many times it's explained to me, I will never quite understand that I've won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something.

I'm already connected
If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.

Ever hear of women's lib?
My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."

Phone flirting
I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"

How long do you have?
Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."

What's it worth?
"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"

Call the cult
"Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power."

It's good enough for Cuba
I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire."

Thank you to all the readers who sent in replies. Let's keep them coming. If you have a funny reply to telemarketers, send them to [email protected].

IP Logged

JP
Moderator
ForumsNet Member

Ditch IE. Use Firefox.

Gender:

Posts: 14706

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #1 on: May 3^rd, 2005, 3:38pm »

Quote

Modify

We don't get marketers on the phone, we get them "in real life". They go knocking and asking if they want us to try their products. My parents usually say "We don't have a job, we can't pay for it." Cheesy

IP Logged

Rhune
ForumsNet Administrator

Gender:

Posts: 292

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #2 on: May 3^rd, 2005, 4:51pm »

Quote

Modify

Too many raped and murdered door-to-door salesmen, or raped and murdered people who answered the door thinking they were a salesman, over the years here in the US. Almost no one goes door-to-door anymore and when they do, no one is interested in answering and letting them in.

IP Logged

lakelady
ForumsNet Moderator
Moderator
ForumsNet Member

Posts: 11251

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #3 on: May 3^rd, 2005, 5:18pm »

Quote

Modify

I don't feel like monkeying with them AT ALL. I simply hang the phone up as soon as I know that's what it is.

IP Logged

bec
ForumsNet Member

I'm a pathetically happy person!

Gender:

Posts: 820

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #4 on: May 4^th, 2005, 10:25pm »

Quote

Modify

I have an unlisted phone number and it really annoys me when telemarketers call. I always ask them " how did you get our phone number?"...they claim it is a randomly selected sequence of numbers the computer puts together....so i tell them i randomly select calls throughout the day to hang up on!!!!

IP Logged

yesteach
ForumsNet Administrator

Gender:

Posts: 10465

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #5 on: May 5^th, 2005, 9:42pm »

Quote

Modify

I totally stopped using a land line. Now just waiting for the day they get my mobile number.. Sad

My step-mother always starts asking questions when she gets tele-marketers.. she thinks it's hilariously funny. I will never forget the night a phone company called to offer her a "better deal" on long distance service. She asked the guy, "What kind of deal do I have now?" He of course had no idea, so she asked him how he could offer her a better deal if he didn't even know what she had? He kept on and kept on, finally she said.. OK, right now I have 5 cents per minute.. if you can give me 3cents per min, I"ll change... can you do that?" He hung up... lol

IP Logged

There are only 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary, and those who don't.

bec
ForumsNet Member

I'm a pathetically happy person!

Gender:

Posts: 820

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #6 on: May 6^th, 2005, 1:11am »

Quote

Modify

yesteach don't be surprised if you start getting those dreaded calls on your mobile.......it happens here and now not only do I get Junk mail in my mailbox and my email but now i get junk text messages on my mobile!!!!!

IP Logged

Boradamer
ForumsNet Member

"I wonder if I should do a comb over?"

Gender:

Posts: 936

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #7 on: May 6^th, 2005, 10:24am »

Quote

Modify

Well I am sure LL and Rupey know full well that I am the type that messes with them.

Here are some of my favorites...

May I speak to your wife?
Sorry, she is unavailable right now can I take a message?
That's OK it is just a courtesy call.
Well, that's not very courteous if you won't leave a message. I mean really. How courteous can you be if you won't even tell me your name or why you called? Honestly, people these days have no manners. Why when I was your age....just ramble on from here and make them wait while you talk.

Hi. May I speak to the lady of the house?
(irrate voice) How many times do I have to tell you kids that you are not funny. You know darn well she left me for another woman and you keep calling. Well I tell you what you just wait. I ordered something off Ebay that will let me track where you are calling from and when I find out I am going to come down there and whoop your arse.

Hi. Mr Pritts. This is person with X company.
(interrupt them) One sec my wife and I are making love. You mind waiting til we finish?
(set the phone down and make noises in the background) Oddly enough I had one guy actually wait a few minutes for me. Most just hang up

Hi. I wanted to talk to you about X.
Certainly but first I need to ask. Have you found Jesus yet? (break into a nice 5 min. sermon, lean heavy on sinning and repentance for their evil ways)

Hi. Mr Pritts?
I am sorry. I no longer go by Mr. Pritts. I legally changed my name to Han Solo.
Um, ok. Mr. Solo. We would like to talk to you about...
The real funny thing about this is I now get mail for Han Solo from this company

There are more but they all depend on how goofy I am feeling at the time and what they call about.

IP Logged

azure
ForumsNet Member

Gender:

Posts: 4087

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #8 on: May 6^th, 2005, 11:58am »

Quote

Modify

IP Logged

HELLO EVERYBODY!!

JP
Moderator
ForumsNet Member

Ditch IE. Use Firefox.

Gender:

Posts: 14706

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #9 on: May 6^th, 2005, 12:46pm »

Quote

Modify

Borad!

IP Logged

bec
ForumsNet Member

I'm a pathetically happy person!

Gender:

Posts: 820

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #10 on: May 6^th, 2005, 12:54pm »

Quote

Modify

very funny borad!!!

not long ago we had some religious folk knocking on our door....as they do.......Adam opened the door and when they asked "have you found jesus yet?" Adam replied...."yes he was hiding behind the couch the whole time!!!!"........then he yelled out " hey honey can you get that long haired bearded hippie and tell him his mum and dad are here"

the look on the faces of the "doorknockers" was priceless!!!!!

IP Logged

AoM
ForumsNet Member

Posts: 2277

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #11 on: May 6^th, 2005, 1:12pm »

Quote

Modify

Quote:

The real funny thing about this is I now get mail for Han Solo from this company

I am soooo gonna do that!!

IP Logged

Boradamer
ForumsNet Member

"I wonder if I should do a comb over?"

Gender:

Posts: 936

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #12 on: May 11^th, 2005, 10:08am »

Quote

Modify

Love it Bec! :rofl:

IP Logged

luci
ForumsNet Member

Gender:

Posts: 12045

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #13 on: May 11^th, 2005, 11:10am »

Quote

Modify

Oh Bec, that is hilarious Cool

We have Caller-ID, so when we see 'unavailable' on it we don't answer.

When strangers come to the door, same thing, we don't open it Wink

Why open the door to possible danger!

IP Logged

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

lakelady
ForumsNet Moderator
Moderator
ForumsNet Member

Posts: 11251

Re: 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers
« Reply #14 on: May 30^th, 2005, 9:27am »

Quote

Modify

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people
work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?,
kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about
their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is
Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a
real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most
fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have
any friends... would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can
you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give
your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they
often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set
the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her
if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call
him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot
give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone
bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you
say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your
leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner
conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration"and ask if
they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak
up... louder... louder...louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY
WORD down.

IP Logged

Pages: 1

Add Poll

Notify of replies

Send Topic


Previous topic \| New Topic \| Next topic »