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   Can Friends Become Lovers?

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Question: Do you believe it can lead to a lasting marriage?

	YES
	NO
	Yes, & we've lasted!
	No, We bombed!
	I've never had a relationship with a friend!

« Last Modified by: luci on: Oct 9^th, 2005, 3:54pm »

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Topic: Can Friends Become Lovers? (Read 330 times)

luci
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Can Friends Become Lovers?
« on: Oct 9^th, 2005, 3:53pm »

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Can Friends Become Lovers?
by Kimberly Dawn Neumann
Pretty much everyone has had a close friend who's fantastic, funny, always there when we need a sympathetic ear... and who also makes our heart do little flips and wonder "What if...?" True, anyone who's watched When Harry Met Sally knows that getting passionate with a pal is a tricky endeavor. But if it works, it's also totally romantic. So if your buddy's been on your mind all too often of late and you want to see if you can be more than just amigos, read on for some step-by-step advice from relationship experts and real people on how to proceed without losing face--or the friendship.

Step 1: Look before you leap

The most important thing you should do before you act is this: THINK! You might absolutely be on the verge of something wonderful, but then again, it might be a fleeting moment of loneliness or lust that leads you astray. "I have had a few friendships that could have been more at one time, but I always try to let that first impulse pass," says Jennifer of Brooklyn, NY. "If it is meant to be, that feeling will happen again. If it was a passing fancy, then there will be no awkward conversation over what happened 'that night.'"

While waiting for repeated waves of more-than-friendly feelings is a wise idea, you should also ask yourself this: Why haven't you dated this person before? "Sometimes it's simply that you met when one of you was involved in a relationship or something else distracting, like writing a doctoral dissertation, caring for an older parent or whatever life put on your plate," says Joni Mantell, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in New York City. If that's the case -- and if this hurdle has since disappeared -- then it might be a prime time to redefine your relationship. If, on the other hand, you two have had windows of opportunity to get intimate in the past and passed them up, then maybe it was for good reason.

The bottom line: Figuring out what's triggered your change of heart is crucial. "It might be because your friend comes through for you in a crisis like no one in your life ever did, and this makes you realize how special this person is to you," says Mantell. If that's the case, does that necessarily mean a romantic relationship is in the cards? Another possibility is that you have given some thought to your patterns in relationships (in therapy or by yourself), and you realize you would rather date a "nice" man or woman instead of the more exciting, dangerous prospects you were pursuing. "In other words, you are growing up and letting go of old baggage," says Mantell. That's a good reason to seriously consider giving this a shot.

Step 2: Test the waters

So you've decided that your emotions are the real deal... but what about your friend's feelings? Are you two on the same page, or is the object of your affection blissfully unaware that you two could click that way? To determine the answer, ask yourself these questions: Are you the first person they share good (or bad) news with and vice versa? Are they jealous or critical of your dates and partners? Are they possessive about spending time with just you rather than along with others? Do they compliment you as a date would (i.e. "You look beautiful in that dress" or "Man, you're looking handsome today")? Is the amount of time you are spending together increasing? A "yes" to several of these could mean the attraction is indeed mutual.

You can also try dropping hints, which can not only help you gauge their reaction but plant the seed in their minds if they haven't yet entertained the thought of coupledom. Laurie Puhn, author of Instant Persuasion: How To Change Your Words And Change Your Life, suggests trying something like, "You know, I date, but none of the people I go out with really compare to you," or "I was talking to Jane the other night and when she bumped into us she thought we were on a date. Isn?t that funny?" "If the other person says something like 'Yeah, I was thinking that too. It does seem like we're dating' or, if they smile, it's a good reaction," says Puhn. If they look uncomfortable or change the topic, that's not a good sign--but since your comment was so innocuous, it should easily blow over.

Step 3: Make your move

You're pretty sure the sparks are there on both sides... now what? Should you lunge in for a lip-lock the next time you're together, and pray your pal doesn't recoil? Understandably, that prospect can be terrifying, so consider a more subtle move like taking their arm or reaching for their hand during a movie or while consider this stealthy move: "Say, 'I wonder what it would be like if we were dating,'" suggests Mantell. "This style of musing and imagining is good for a safe but playful start which could lead to a kiss or a conversation about you two dating at the very least." If they do say, "Let's just be friends," Mantell suggests that you be ready to reassure them it's OK. But recognize that there is the possibility things may be weird after that. If you decide you can still hang out together, you can alleviate your buddy's discomfort (and your own) by talking about other people you?re interested in, whether that's some new coworker or a cutie?s profile you saw online.

Step 4: Steam things up!

It happened: You two are kissing--and maybe more. While it might be nice to think that you'll click instantly since you know each other so well, familiarity can work against you. "The first contact might be awkward," says Mantell. "Our society is more accustomed to romance built on pure fantasy, and that is harder to do with a friend." Mantell urges that transitioning couples shouldn't give up right away if the chemistry is off. "Acknowledge the uneasiness, make a joke saying something like 'Well, we know each other too well to be relaxed.'" Another option is to promise each other you'll go really slowly until you get used to this new way of interacting. "A classic sex therapy technique is foreplay only, no intercourse, until both people are really comfortable," says Mantell. Try it until you have to break the no-intercourse rule... and then you know the technique worked.

One major caveat: While having sex doesn't have to mean you two are officially an item, the fact that you're already so close can raise romantic expectations. So whether you're interested in pursuing a serious relationship with this person or just out to satisfy your curiosity and keep things casual, it's crucial that you communicate your expectations and hopes -- and have a handle on theirs -- before getting hot and heavy. Just say, "I'm really attracted to you but want to make sure we're on the same page so nobody's feelings get hurt..." and explain your stance from there. You two may forge ahead even if you don't see eye-to-eye, but at least it's on the table. Everyone you sleep with deserves that much, but friends especially do, don't you think?

Step 5: Announce your new status

If you two do seem to be hitting it off, you may start wondering whether to make your budding relationship public--after all, you may be excited, worried, or otherwise dying to talk about it with someone other than the pal you just got passionate with! But breaking the news also requires some caution. The rule of thumb here? Find out how your new amour feels about it and always defer to the wishes of the more private party. Keep in mind that as soon as you involve friends and family, there will be more pressure on your evolving relationship, so it's OK to give yourselves time to adjust.

Also keep in mind that there's a difference between keeping your relationship private and keeping it an airtight secret. In other words, you may want to let certain people in on the news--especially those close to you both. Those are the people who might feel deceived or left out if they learn your couple status later on. In those instances, one of you (both may feel like you're ganging up) should take that person aside and say, "You know how John/Jane and I hang out all the time? We kind of both realized that we liked each other, and now we're dating." Answer their questions, but keep in mind that you shouldn't spill all the details; when in doubt ask yourself, "Would I talk about that if my new partner were in this room?" If the answer is no, keep your lip zipped.

Also know that while you may try to be discreet, people will probably start getting an inkling that something has shifted, and it can be damaging to deny it, says Joyce Catlett, author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships. "Don't try to hide the status of your new relationship by holding back physical expressions of your tenderness and affection when other people are around," says Catlett. "Protecting yourself this way can have negative consequences and can make you feel more self-conscious or awkward, even during those times when the two of you are alone." The bottom line is, you and your pal-turned-paramour should be ecstatic that you've found a soul mate so close to home. Who cares if you're fodder for the gossip mill for awhile?

« Last Edit: Oct 9^th, 2005, 6:25pm by luci »

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

yesteach
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Re: Can Friends Become Lovers?
« Reply #1 on: Oct 10^th, 2005, 8:58pm »

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I have a friend, who I met online, and it's been totally online for seven years!! This past spring we got together in person for the first time. It was both comfortable and odd at the same time.

We were really comfortable with each other - like we'd known each other forever... no awkwardness in conversations, etc.

However, after we went back home, we've not been as close - or at least it feels that way. We still talk, but not like before. Not sure if it's just the "what-if" is gone or if there's really a change in the way he feels. He still emails me regularly, but it's just more "common place" type chit chat... Then again, when we were on the trip, a colleague of his commented that we didn't talk much, just sat there with each other. His reply "We've known each other for seven years. We're like old married people, we've run out of things to say.".

Can it last, I think yes.. I think we'd have a better chance of it being more than it is if we were in the same place.. but then you also want some measure of assuredness before you pack up and relocate 5000miles away..

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AoM
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Re: Can Friends Become Lovers?
« Reply #2 on: Oct 11^th, 2005, 1:23pm »

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I met Andrew when i was 16. I was dating someone else at the time. When we broke up Andrew and I remained close and he helped me through a lot of tough times in my life. We had fun together and hung out often, then one day it just happened. We kissed and the rest is history (or the future!)

That was 6 years ago and I don't see anything changing

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luci
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Re: Can Friends Become Lovers?
« Reply #3 on: Oct 11^th, 2005, 4:49pm »

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As some of you know, we've known each other since
we were 6 & 7. Our first date was in January of 1958.
Our second June 1983. We married June 1984!

We were good friends, in the same crowds, same activities.
After our first date, I never thought of us being more than
we were, a night at the Skating Rink.
No Hometown boy for me!

Needless to say, the second date was different, and we
both knew it! After several weeks of back pedaling, but
also ending up together several times a week, we knew
we HAD to be together forever. We believe in Fate!

Fate & Timing had everything to do with us! Tongue

We are each other's best friend! We still play, laugh,
talk, plan, dream, sing, and just have fun together daily!

Will we even ever grow up? Probably not,
for it's too much fun having fun together!

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

Jeff
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Re: Can Friends Become Lovers?
« Reply #4 on: Oct 12^th, 2005, 7:20pm »

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I've been struggling with this a bit lately. I have a friend that I know wants to be more than friends, but I'm the hold-up. At times I feel we can be more and at times, I'm not sure.

I think nothing will come of this, though. I just can't really picture myself with him as anything more than friends. However, I do have to be careful because I tend to lead people on without noticing it. I like being able to touch friends. I greet friends with a hug and I can sit with them and hold them without thinking anything of it. However, others tend to read my actions differently when I do this, so now that my friend has made his feelings known to me, I have to be careful. I don't want to lose another friend like this...

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yesteach
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Re: Can Friends Become Lovers?
« Reply #5 on: Oct 13^th, 2005, 11:57pm »

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I understand completely, Jeff... I'm sort of the same way. What I"ve always found is that it's easy for me to be flirty and touchy with friends, but I'm not that way with people I'm interested in. I think that "nervousness" of being around someone you really like causes me to be more standoffish. The bad thing is, those I'm not interested in are the ones who get interested because they see the "fun, flirty, touchy" me... while the ones I really like think just the opposite - because I'm quiet and standoffish with them... Sad