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   "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . . .

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Topic: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . . . (Read 2482 times)

Bumper
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"Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . . .
« on: Jan 14^th, 2003, 11:04am »

You see these "Wisdoms" all the time. They come in emails, magazines, etc. I just thought I'd create a space to pass along some of them that just seem to make sense to me. (uh, now some would say THAT is a scary thought! Shocked

)

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK . . . . :tup:

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

(author unknown)

:golf:

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Irishlass
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #1 on: Jan 14^th, 2003, 2:22pm »

Good idea Bumper. I'll share this one, it is for the ladies, but maybe it will be helpful to the guys in dealing with the ladies in their life.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 Ways to Know If You Have "Estrogen Issues"

1. Everyone around you has an attiutude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving - call 1-800-----.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger that Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

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chickmama
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #2 on: Jan 14^th, 2003, 2:59pm »

Lovin it! I knew this would be good.

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Bumper
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #3 on: Jan 14^th, 2003, 10:54pm »

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play
go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light on reasons
why.

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being
honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.

Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they
travel between tournaments.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because
of another player's deal.

Professional Golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back
them up.

The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National
Football League does in two.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament,
including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30.

The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.

You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best
in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at
one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadium. I brought a Coke
into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last year, and an usher came to my seat
and told me I had to dispose of it, or I would not be allowed to stay in the
stadium.

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season,
like the best baseball hitters (.250 batting average) do.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake
your hand and say they were happy to meet you.
In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer funded sports stadium and arenas)
you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling
while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Bobby Bonds can hit a
baseball.

:golf:

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Bumper
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #4 on: Jan 15^th, 2003, 9:45pm »

Success is. . . . . .

At age 4.....success is....not peeing in your pants.

At age 12...success is....having friends.

At age 16...success is....having a driver's license.

At age 20...success is....having sex.

At age 35...success is....having money.

At age 50...success is....having money.

At age 60...success is....having sex.

At age 70...success is....having a driver's license.

At age 75...success is....having friends.

At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants.

:golf:

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Irishlass
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #5 on: Jan 15^th, 2003, 10:38pm »

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand.....
1. OTHER WOMEN

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Bumper
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #6 on: Jan 16^th, 2003, 11:04am »

When the chips are down, . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . the buffalo is empty. Wink

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Rhune
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #7 on: Jan 16^th, 2003, 11:06am »

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!

Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't lasted five minutes back in 1984!

Grin

« Last Edit: Jan 16^th, 2003, 11:07am by Rhune »

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Bumper
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #8 on: Jan 16^th, 2003, 11:49am »

Rhune, I can't believe it!! Your walk to school was 25 miles uphill?? So was mine!! Wink

And in keeping with the tone of Rhune's post, I offer this. . . . .

The people who were born in 1983 are TOO YOUNG young to remember:

The space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane........de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

(Source: another one of the zillions of email messages you receive that have been forwarded and forwarded and you have to click 87 different times/screens to get it open . . . and you curse your friend for sending it and curse yourself for being so damn curious, wanting to see what's inside at the risk that this just might be the email worm that toasts your hard drive . . . . . ok, Sorry about that, I digress, Grin

rant over)

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Bumper
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #9 on: Jan 18^th, 2003, 11:32am »

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

:golf:

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chickmama
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #10 on: Jan 18^th, 2003, 2:01pm »

lol Bumper!! This is too funny! It's also showing me that I'm not as young as I'd like to be!

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Bumper
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #11 on: Jan 18^th, 2003, 6:12pm »

The 50-50-90 rule:

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, . . . . . there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

:golf:

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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #12 on: Jan 18^th, 2003, 10:55pm »

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

:golf:

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LibertyBelle
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #13 on: Jan 20^th, 2003, 10:30am »

LOL these are funny, and some of them too damn true! Wink

Lots of potential great sig lines here LOL.

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I watch from the wings at the play you are staging - while I'm sitting here doing nothing but aging.
~ George Harrison ~

Bumper
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Re: "Wisdoms", The World According To Bumper . .
« Reply #14 on: Jan 20^th, 2003, 12:12pm »

Thanks Coggy, I'm getting down to the bottom of my pile on "clean" ones though, sure wish I had saved more of those emails. Grin

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