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Topic: Five Affairs (Humor) (Read 239 times)

Rhune
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Five Affairs (Humor)
« on: Apr 9^th, 2003, 2:40pm »

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THE FIRST AFFAIR-

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and
said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child, "Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look
and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled
sweetly and said, "Not this time."

THE SECOND AFFAIR- A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Bob Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr.
Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with
a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for
posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead
man's member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. Oh, my God!" she
screamed, "Bob Schwartz is
dead!"

THE THIRD AFFAIR-

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby
oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." What's
this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. Oh, it's just a
statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so
much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even
later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I had to stand like that at
the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."

THE FOURTH AFFAIR-

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.", "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!"
exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies,
"Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The
bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

THE FIFTH AFFAIR-

Jack was dying. His wife Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
aroused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die
in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your Mother!"

"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

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chickmama
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Re: Five Affairs (Humor)
« Reply #1 on: Apr 11^th, 2003, 11:39am »

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Hehehe, those were too funny! I saw this thread at the bottom of the page saying (humor) I just had to read it.

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MzWings
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Re: Five Affairs (Humor)
« Reply #2 on: Apr 11^th, 2003, 6:39pm »

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Good ones Rhune....

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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

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