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Topic: Sister in Laws (Read 419 times)

darnchts
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Sister in Laws
« on: May 20^th, 2003, 6:50pm »

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My sister in law and I are the same age..her birthday is 15 days sooner than mine. She met my brother when I was 17 years old. She convinced him to follow her with her parents to Cape Cod. I loved her like a sister back then..would have done anything for her and did. I never saw the true person she was. I went to college and the summer between my freshman and senior year, my brother (who I love with all my heart) invited me to spend the summer with them since going back to VT would not have made me much summer money. My nephew Michael was born in May. I had never wanted kids myself and still don't..but I love kids and was so excited to have this little man in my life. I moved in shortly after he was born. I won't go into tons of details but let's just say that I saw the true person in my SIL after that. She was lazy, spent all my brother's money (later put him into bankruptcy, made him lose his new 4x4, made him lose his condo and drained the bank account that mom had gotten for him after we were hit by a drunk driver when he was 4 years old and he almost died). Anyway..she was the worse mom I had ever seen. She wouldn't take any advice from my mom at all. Her parents are so bad that it explains where she gets it from. From day one, she left him in his crib all day, never allowed him to crawl on the floor (she wanted to have him walking before his dad did so she thought if he didn't crawl then he would), wouldn't heat up his bottle or food for him, would leave him in the same diaper most of the day...you get the idea. I overstepped the bounds when I started taking him out of the crib all the time. She said that he would love me more than her if I kept spending all the time with him and she had housechores (never saw her do any) so she couldn't play with him all the time like me. It wasn't long before she started telling me that she didn't trust me around him and that I couldn't hold him or be with him unless someone else was. Speed forward 10 years. My niece was born. I was never allowed to touch her at all. She was my brother's pride and joy and he spoiled her. Michael had never been allowed to do anything..my niece could do no wrong.
They moved to NH to less than an hour away from me about 5 years ago. They were treating Michael so bad by that time that I was so excited that I would be closer so I could spend time with him so he would know that someone still loved him. I snuck down for his birthday that year when I knew the SIL was at work and convinced my brother to let me take him bowling. We had so much fun together She was so mad when she found out. So it shouldn't have been a huge surprise when I asked permission to take the kids on day trips for Christmas and she told me no. I had spent days planning the trips. It was gonna cost me a fortune and we were going to have a blast. I was taking my niece to an animal farm and putting her on a pony for an hour. She was almost 4 and I invited my brother along so that he could enjoy it and cause she was too young for me to take alone. I then would take Michael to a huge 3 story arcade north of them. He was 12 at the time and would have had a blast. I promised to have him home by whatever time they felt he had to be. She told me absolutely not. Told me that I was not to be trusted and that she would never let her kids go anywhere with me. She told me that I should stick with material things cause I was no good at stuff like this. I was so overwhelming hurt and still am. My brother told me that I should learn to shut up cause I would lose him and the kids if I made him chose. He loves the bitch..I don't know why..but he does. I was blessed 3 years ago when my landlords bought this house. They brought with them at the time 2 twin 10 year old boys and a 1 year old. They have become my nephews and I love them just like they are. They have benefitted from my loss cause they get to do all those things that I would love to do with my own blood. This summer, the twins are going to Bar Harbor with me for the 4th of July weekend. Their mom has only known me 3 years and she is letting me take them from Thursday till Sunday nite. She knows that I cherish them and would never hurt them. This is not the first time that I have taken them. I took them last year for a weekend to Vermont. They had a blast and still talk about it. I will begin to do things with the soon 4 year old this year but like my niece before, I will ask his mom to come with me cause I think he is too young to just go with me. I know she would let me take him if I wanted to but I won't.

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darnchts
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #1 on: May 20^th, 2003, 6:56pm »

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the book continued.......

Anyway..I don't spend much time with my SIL anymore...I don't usually go to VT if she will be there. I haven't spent a Christmas with the family or given any gifts since that year. To this day, if the kids try to spend any alone time with me..you will hear my SIL in the background yelling at them to go do something. I saw a spark of confusion in Michael's face the first time about a year ago...and it made me feel better cause he is starting to realize something isn't right. We were all up for a holiday (can't recall which one) and the kids had always been able to stay awake late when at Grandma's house. That nite, I made the mistake of telling the kids to go get the traditional game to play. My SIL saw them looking and asked them what they were doing and they said that Auntie had told them to get a game. She immediately blew up and said that it was their bedtime. If I had only waited till mom got out of the bathroom, she would have asked them to find a game and my SIL would have been fine with that. Michael was so BS...he came out and talked to me about it and I saw that he finally got it. I have all the emails from back during that time when she said she didn't trust me too so someday I fully intend to let Michael read them. He deserves to know why I had to step out of his life but I will wait till he is old enough to make his own choices.

Anyway..sorry to have bored you all...Wings..I'm shocked that you didn't know this part of my life...geee..thought I had told you about everything... Wink

So help me find some humor before Friday nite..I need it....

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Rhune
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #2 on: May 20^th, 2003, 10:08pm »

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What a shame...my guess is that Michael will seek you out once he's 18 and out of her house. My experience with this is that he will still be seeking for some motherly attention that he never got and may look for it in you, once he's an adult. It's good that you paid him attention when he was a baby. My mother works with little kids that didn't get any affection as babies (especially physical affection), they usually grow up with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) which is basically an early stage of being a sociopath. They grow up with no emotional attachment and any sense of compassion or guilt. The love you gave him then, what little you gave him, mattered. On those days you feel like it all wasn't worth it, keep that in mind. What you did mattered VERY MUCH. You're a good person and it sounds like you've made it clear your door is open to him when the time comes. At least the daughter gets affection from her father.

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darnchts
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #3 on: May 21^st, 2003, 7:39am »

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Thanks Rhune,
I can't begin to tell you how many drugs they have had Michael on through the years. That damn Ritalin was the first and they kept him on it for more than 7 years. It had him so drugged out that it was like he was coming off a high anytime that they forgot it at home and he was without it a few days. I never approved of them giving it to him. He was a little bit of a hyper kid but he was just a kid. They now have him on some new med which helps him concentrate on his schoolwork so I guess that is okay but I'm still not overly thrilled about it. Michael went through many years of hating himself cause both my brother and his wife would verbally abuse him so much. It used to tear my dad up when he was alive too cause he lived and breathed Michael as much as I do. Amanda has never been as close to any of our hearts cause she is a spoiled rotten child who is used to everything being her way. She used to purposely make messes and my SIL would tell Michael to clean them up. He was also forced to babysit her after school when he was not the legal age to do that. It is amazing that they didn't burn the apartment complex down.

I have learned to just be quiet about all the crap that I see going on the same as my mom has. If we voice any kind of criticism, my SIL will start threatening not to come around. My mom would be heartbroken if she didn't have any time to spend with the kids at all. She is usually trusted to be around them though she no longer takes them for a week anymore.

Anyway...I'm excited to be seeing them this weekend. I have not seen either one of them since hmmmmmmmmmm...I don't think I saw them at Christmas..I might have for a couple of hours. I did but I wasn't allowed to spend time with them. The last time I saw them was Thanksgiving cause my SIL was in too much pain to drive up and so we had them all to ourselves. My brother and I get to hang out too when she isn't around which is great. I really miss my big brother. Sad

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Rhune
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #4 on: May 21^st, 2003, 8:32am »

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Having been in a similar situation once, I can say that it's something we always talk ourselves out of, due to loyalty, but it's a shame they were never turned in anonymously to child protective services. Leaving a baby in a crib all day, not changing a diaper, those things are illegal - it's neglect. When someone gets turned in for neglect, the parent almost always gets the child back, but they are forced to take proper parenting classes and monitored after that. Someone MAKES them be a better parent. The same again when he was babysitting her at an illegal age. I didn't rat my friend out either, but I wish I had. I might not have gotten to see her kids again, but they would have had a better life. I have a friend who's going through this right now. She is a nurse and after she left her abusive husband, she caught mono after giving someone a strep throat test and not being careful enough (because she was handling saliva). She ended up hospitalized and he took the preemptive strike right then and filed for divorce and citing that she was homeless, he got the kids. She had never filed any charges against him for abusing her, and was unable to defend herself in court. To this day he tells her that he doesn't really want them, he just doesn't want her to have them. He neglects them horribly, and she's called the police several times now about it, but they tell her that since her oldest son is now 15, there is nothing she can do about it. The state considers him legally old enough to clean up the house, to buy groceries, etc. They will not step in. She waited too late to try & make a stand. Sad

She gets them for 6 weeks each summer and that's it. At this point, all she can do is the same thing...wait until they are 18 and can come to her on their own. Kids grow up and they figure stuff out. All the mean things that were said about her, the kids have realized on their own are not true. They do love her and will definitely go to her when they can, but it's too late as far as them being ok. They both have depression and other issues. The whole thing just makes you shake your head in shame. At any rate, I'll get off my :soapbox:

More than anything I'm chewing myself out for not calling cps when I could have. Sad

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Rhune
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #5 on: May 21^st, 2003, 8:41am »

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Just wanted to add, I'm not chewing you out, or intending to chew you out with my message. Mostly just thinking outloud and chewing myself out since this situation reminds me of my own.

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darnchts
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #6 on: May 21^st, 2003, 9:25am »

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I didn't take it that way at all...
Dad and I used to talk about reporting her but we knew that she would never let us see the kid (s) again. We knew they would never take him away.

Anyway..thanks for your support..it means a lot.

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east
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #7 on: May 21^st, 2003, 2:11pm »

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oh dar, my heart goes out to you. i have had a similar experience with one of my stepsisters. no where near the extreme which you find yourself in but...enough to know the pain of connecting with nieces/nephews but having my stepsister too jealous of that relationship to allow it to continue. i, too, have no children of my own but have done both youth and children's work over the years to be trusted. in fact, i have been called the pide piper of children. however, when my niece started to open up to me, when she was not open with her mother, this caused my stepsister to jump all over me. i found this behaviour to be ironic as i truly believe that it takes a village to raise a child and that my communication skills with children should be something welcomed rather than something to be feared. it interests me how much this says about your SIL rather than you. it tears my heart apart to think about both your niece and nephew as they are doing neither a service ~ to overindulged one and crucify the other. i will be thinking about you this upcoming weekend.

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darnchts
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #8 on: May 21^st, 2003, 4:49pm »

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Thanks East...gotta a lot on my plate right now and really wish I didn't have to go up to deal with it at all..but I have no choice..I promised mom..and I promised her I would behave on top of it...

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darnchts
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #9 on: May 23^rd, 2003, 5:21pm »

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So one of my bosses asked me at work today what I was doing this weekend..and we got into a conversation about Helen..the SIL. He has nicknamed her Hateful Helen... :laugh:

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Rhune
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Re: Sister in Laws
« Reply #10 on: May 23^rd, 2003, 8:25pm »

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*chuckle*

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