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Topic: Murder in Vermont (Read 766 times)

darnchts
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Murder in Vermont
« on: May 24^th, 2003, 9:14am »

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Well not yet..but I'm just warning you so that when it happens, you all won't be surprised. UGHHHHHHHHH
My mom has liver cancer for those who don't know. She has been diagosed since last April. Her health right now is not the best though she is determined to not give up yet. She took a nasty fall about a month ago which has made walking even more difficult than it was before with her arthritic knees so she has not been able to keep up her every day chores including grocery shopping. She and I went for the first time last weekend ..she needed someone who could push her wheelchair around as walking in the grocery store just doesn't happen. However, with the whole family up this weekend, there were many things we could not buy or that I felt were just too expensive in VT and I could get them cheaper in NH so I offered to buy more before I came up..which I did.

That ungrateful brother of mine and his wife can not see how sick mom is with her shortness of breath and her aging face and losing her hair again with the new chemo and actually put on a big show this morning cause we didn't get them milk. They go through a gallon easily a day and that is a lot of additional money for mom to pay for them. They never contribute anything when they come here and mom always ends up footing the whole food bill. This time, I ended up footing most of it and since I am back to just one job till the end of summer, it was not easy but I didn't want mom who has even less coming in each month to do it...

I can already see that this weekend is not going to be a good one..took me less than 24 hours to get pissed off. I just can't understand how people can know that someone is so sick and could die tomorrow and still act so damn spoiled and self centered!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me rant..I'm sure I'll be back to rant some more before Monday...

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend.

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Rhune
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #1 on: May 24^th, 2003, 10:42am »

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Now I understand why you are willing to keep putting aside your feelings & words to them for the sake of you mom. You're a good daughter. Unfortunately my mama raised me to be loud and pushy. Wink

I don't think I could hold my tongue, even for the sake of my mom, so you're a better person than I am. :devilish:

Maybe if you get a chance, what you can do is to casually tell your nephew at some point if you get him alone that you love spending time with him and when he's out on his own, he should look you up sometime and you'll go do something fun. Just leaves an open door for him to look forward to and makes it clear you'd like him in your life, without stirring too much up. If he then wants to complain about his mom not letting him spend time with you, let him talk, but don't participate other than to listen. The hardest thing you may ever have to deal with, with him is that inside there is still a little boy wanting love and acceptance from his mommy. He'll be able to see her for what she is, and even may state it, but it will still hurt a little to have anyone else say it and could cause a negative reaction from him to you afterward.

I think what you need to do to relax and have a good time at this point is to sit down and imagine all the awful things they are going to do this weekend, like the pettiness over the milk. Go through all of it in your mind, accept that this is what they are going to do, and then agree to walk into it with those expectations of how they are going to behave. That way you aren't surprised by anything they do, you don't fixate on it and get upset at each little thing they add to the idiocy of their behaviour. You just say to yourself, "Yep! Saw that one coming and shake your head and laugh internally at how stupid they are behaving." You just have to agree not to get upset about it, because when you get upset even if you try to contain it, the people around you are gonna notice it and react to it in some ways. You want to make this a good weekend for your mom, so just think over the worst case scenario and let yourself be pleasantly surprised if they don't do all of it. I know that sounds rediculous but I have found when I'm stuck in a difficult spot or dealing with a difficult person that I get less upset if I approach it that way.

Some day your brother will reflect on his behaviour and his participation in his wife's behaviour and will realize what all he missed out on, what he did wrong, and maybe that won't be for years and years, but at some point he will see and understand. In the meantime, you can't make him behave the way you'd like him to. He's a willing participant in this, and he's got his blinders on.

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east
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #2 on: May 24^th, 2003, 12:00pm »

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dar...

ohhh...i feel your pain and frustration. i agree with rhune. the only way through this weekend besides jail is to accept that they are going to be this way and expect it. (as sad as their behaviour is...)

in the meantime :meditate:

and try not to get too :steamed:

,

east

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MzWings
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #3 on: May 24^th, 2003, 5:28pm »

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Dar love!

I pretty much agree with Rhune's suggestions - at least on a short-term basis for the rest of this long weekend. Hopefully, you can take a few trips to the bathroom and breathe deeply and say a little prayer.

I'm wondering if you could approach your brother and nice ask if he could pay for part of the groceries you bought (if you have the receipt with you). If he becomes the least bit defensive, I suppose you could just back off it and say "maybe next time, then?" and change the subject.

I'm curious - does your brother speak very often with his mom? Does he ever ask about her financial situation? Sorry - I don't mean to pry here. Somehow, (and this is more of a "man" thing), he may be in denial about the severity of her condition. It doesn't help much that he's married to such a domineering woman (at least that's one of my descriptions of her).

Dar - I wish I could be there with you this weekend to try and take some of this burden off you - at least emotionally. I'm thinking and praying for you and your mom. Just know that you're being one helluva wonderful daughter.

Tongue

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darnchts
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #4 on: May 24^th, 2003, 11:00pm »

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No murder yet...and I am calmer...just was not a good way to start the day. My brother is usually not so self centered....

He did go down and buy 3 gallons of milk, along with a lightbulb for mom's kitchen which was what I was hoping for. He came back and immediately went to work mowing her lawn and doing some much needed man things around the place. He is just a man and he can't deal with his feelings and can't talk about mom's illness. My anger is more focused to Helen cause she is a nurse and she knows how sick mom is. She has done nothing since they got here to help mom out other than to give her a new diabetes testing kit. I had decided to barbecue ribs today and the only way to do that in the rain was to open the garage door and put the barbecue in there which meant leaving everyone else to set the table and prepare the rest of the meal. Mom had to peel the potatoes and none of the rest of it was done at all till I came back and saw that no one was doing it. The only good thing was that Amanda came out and kept me company the whole time and Helen didn't stop her. I am still in shock over that. I got to find out a little bit of her life right now. I also discovered that slowly I am losing the bond with both of them. Michael was like a stranger..though I know he still loves me very much. In any case, Helen sat inside playing games all afternoon. The thing that really pissed me off was at one point, she looked at mom's bird sitting on the ceiling fan and said that the kids should turn it on to see what would happen and then she started making swirling sounds. She thought she was so funny but mom and I didn't laugh and she knew it upset both of us as we both love this little girl very much. Angry

Later while I was out barbecuing...I told Amanda that I had brought home the makings for S'Mores. She got all excited and then said she would go ask her mom if they could have them tonite. At first, Helen wasn't going to let them...and I felt so bad. I am so used to offering my neighbor kids things and not having Lisa tell them they can't have it that it never dawned on me that she would even refuse them S'Mores. In the end, Mom realized she was out of bread and my brother volunteered to go get gas in her car and some bread and my mom started the "You don't have...I can do it" speech which translates into "I'm too proud to just say okay, but I'm really glad you are volunteering" and Helen said..okay...well don't say we didn't offer then. Luckily Ralph listened to me and said he would go take care of it. In the meantime, I was given permision to let the kids have their treats and we had a great time toasting marshmallows and feeding my dog.

Rhune..your advice is good and it is what I have tried to do for many years...some days it is just hard to though. As for Michael..I need for him to be away from his mom first before I start saying much. He knows I love him..have always told him every chance I get. He also knows that I will always be there for him. I am so sick of both of them saying that he will never go to college. I pray that he gets his grades back up and goes. She just said again today that once he is 18..he is out of her house..and even if he goes to college..he can't stay at hers during the summer. You can bet that he will be welcome at mine.

Well this vent is over...thanks everyone for your input and prayers...Mom has hurt her hip somehow today and is in awful pain. She can barely walk at all but it sure didn't matter to Helen..I even ended up doing the dinner dishes...I guess she feels that she is a guest when she comes here. Undecided

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Addams
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #5 on: May 24^th, 2003, 11:15pm »

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I am glad to read this post except concerned about your mom's hip.

have you ever considered becoming a writer? the title of this thread is delightful.

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darnchts
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #6 on: May 24^th, 2003, 11:37pm »

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actually I want very much to become a writer someday..has always been my dream....and yes..I know I always write books when I post...

Mom is sleeping...she is trying to get some sleep now as she will be woke up probably by 8am again tomorrow and she is so used to sleeping till noon. The good news is that we are being allowed to take the kids to Bingo..and Helen and Ralph are going out somewhere else...yeahhhhhhh
Cool

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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #7 on: May 24^th, 2003, 11:52pm »

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Woohoo!!

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darnchts
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #8 on: May 25^th, 2003, 10:56pm »

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Just an update..today was a better day. Nothing that I couldn't handle happened and we did take the kids to Bingo. None of us won but Michael waited for a long time on the Jackpot of 300.00 which would have been awesome if he had won. He had waited on just about every special there was. Amanda didn't do that well but she had a good time.

We got home and had a nice surprise..they had actually done the dinner dishes and Ralph had spent some time taking apart mom's dryer and cleaning it out. I have a feeling that Helen did some pawing around the house..she chose to clean the fridge and threw out some sour milk that mom had almost to make a Red Velvet cake with..she has been drying to make one and now she has to start over. I asked Helen if she really thought that I didn't clean out mom's fridge each weekend when I come home? I know she was just trying to help..no big deal.

So just tomorrow left..the bad news is that I have to go back to work Tuesday..and that right now is almost as bad as the SIL.

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Addams
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #9 on: May 26^th, 2003, 4:39am »

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Enjoy your holiday today! Remember that us canucks are back at work today! Glad Bingo and yesterday went well.

Hugs
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Rhune
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #10 on: May 26^th, 2003, 5:18am »

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And when you look back at the weekend, just keep in mind that you got to spend time with the kids and have a great time, despite everything else. At some point you get to throw out the "everything else" part and just remember the nice time you had with the kids. Cheesy

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MzWings
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #11 on: May 26^th, 2003, 11:33am »

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I'm so happy things went better for everyone yesterday, Dar. You and your family were in my thoughts all day.

How great that you and the kids spent some time together AND that that precious cockatiel is still in one piece.

Take care on your trip back home and give your mom a hug from me!

Tongue

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The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
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darnchts
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Re: Murder in Vermont
« Reply #12 on: May 26^th, 2003, 5:27pm »

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well what would it be like if I hadn't totally lost my temper one more time..I just should have believed it but didn't. I asked my brother what time he wanted to leave by and he said he wanted to eat at 2pm and leave around 3pm. So I started the barbecue around 12:30 and had the chicken on the grill by 1pm. They once again allowed Amanda to come out and keep me company. She played with my dog Shadow while yacking away. She said she want to run so I kept asking her to go back to the house to get me various things and to bring things back. I never went back to the house but ASSUMED that since they could see the different things she was bringing in or asking for that the chicken was almost ready. We carried the chicken in just abut 2pm and lo and behold not one damn thing had been done. I had to clear off, the table, add the eggs to the potato salad, cut the cukes, tomatoes, heat up the hot veggies, set the table, pour the drinks and pull out the side stuff out of the fridge and I was extremely hot under the collar by the time I was done. They still just set there..all cept for Mom who came over to take over the eggs for me. So I guess since my SIL did the dishes yesterday, that was all she needed to do to earn all her meals. I just can't get over all of that...burns me up.

But they are gone..thankfully and I am just resting..I just planted veggies for mom, wheeled mom to the Dad's grave and now I need a nap......so no murder this time..but not that I didn't want too...

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