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Topic: Kids & funerals (Read 233 times)

Sheisback
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Kids & funerals
« on: Aug 11^th, 2003, 10:19am »

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My husband's grand mother died yesterday, at age 81. It was not a big surprise, more of a relief. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 years ago and it was really bad lately. She was a great woman. She had 14 children!

Mimi, our 4 y o daughter, really liked her great grandma. She likes to call her CandyGranny. I have explained her that we wouldnt see her anymore, that she was dead and that she was in heaven with the angels, sitting on the clouds, watching out for us and that she was happy and not in pain anymore. I think the explanation satisfied her. She already knew prior to that was death was. Its just the first time someone she knows and care for leaves us for good.
The funerals are going to be held this week, not sure of the day yet.

Do we bring Mimi?? She's been to church before, she knows how to behave. What bothers me is; does she needs to see the grave when taken into the cemetary and the people crying over it?? Huh

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azure
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Re: Kids & funerals
« Reply #1 on: Aug 11^th, 2003, 10:53am »

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try doing a private viewing with just you, your husband and mimi.

We did this with my niece when she was real little and her grammy died.

I watched her during the funeral, and then at the cemetary after everyone else left, I met her mommy and daddy and grandfather and they did kind of thier own little funeral service, but in a little girl kind of way

hope this helps. Oh and nearly every funeral home will allow the private service thingy, i think they call it a private viewing.

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Rhune
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Re: Kids & funerals
« Reply #2 on: Aug 11^th, 2003, 11:22am »

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I'm not sure about a funeral her age, but most people at any age need some kind of ceremony to get closure from a death. When I was 10, my grandfather died and I did not get to attend the funeral. My grades plummeted and I was having a terrible year until finally my mother figured it out and held me while I grieved one night and we said an official goodbye. By being excluded they'd unintentionally done me more harm than they were trying to protect me from by letting me go to the funeral. At her age, maybe something simple like at home hold your own mock funeral in the yard and bury a piece of candy, since she was candy granny, and talk about how you will miss her, and bury it, paint a rock maybe with granny's name on it & maybe a flower or something and just have a little ceremony for closure.

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MzWings
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Re: Kids & funerals
« Reply #3 on: Aug 11^th, 2003, 11:47am »

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For many years, I planted a tree or a garden in honour of a loved one who passed away. My children loved watching the plants grow and I told them they were being taken care of by "______"

Not sure the full funeral for Mimi would be good or bad. I like the idea of taking her to see her great-grandma in a private viewing. Mimi will see her looking pretty, quiet and very much at peace.

I did this with my own children. They grew up understanding that death doesn't mean "a squashed kitty" in the road (as my little ones thought).

In the end though, this is a decision you and hubby will have to make together. You both know Mimi better than anyone.

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east
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Re: Kids & funerals
« Reply #4 on: Aug 11^th, 2003, 1:35pm »

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i am in agreement with rhune. it is important to have your own little service or something to help your four year old understand that her candy granny is no longer living. i co-facilitated a grieving course for young children called 'rainbows' and like rhune said, young ones need closure too. a good book to buy is "The Tenth Good Thing about Barney" by Erik Blegvad and Judith Viorst.

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The little boy who is the narrator of this book has just had his pet cat Barney die. He can only think of nine good things about Barney, until the day after the funeral, when he spends the day in the garden with his father. The plot is extremely simple and spare, but the book depicts grief very well, and so we understand just how broken-hearted the little boy is, and how much he loved his cat. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney is an excellent springboard for families of every religious persuasion (including agnostics and atheists) to discuss what they feel happens after we die. My bright, perceptive and sensitive four-year-old has been asking a lot of questions lately -- about birth and death -- and I used this book to explain death to him. The book was extremely powerful for him, and helped him to put into words many questions that he had, and helped me to answer them for him as best I could. The writing is excellent, and perfectly captures the voice of a young boy, and the illustrations are elegant. Its a classic book, and belongs in every library.

while barney is a cat, this book is a good introduction to death issues. perhaps mimi can think of a few good things about her candy granny.

this message is rushed and i will edit it later as i have to get going!

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Sheisback
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Re: Kids & funerals
« Reply #5 on: Aug 12^th, 2003, 9:23pm »

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Thanks for the advices.
I think the private viewing will be our choice. We discussed it and since I have a lot of trouble with the grave in the cemetary myself, I will stay with Mimi while the group is doing it and then I will take her there once they are done.

Funerals are on saturday.

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Rhune
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Re: Kids & funerals
« Reply #6 on: Aug 12^th, 2003, 9:57pm »

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Best of luck to you with this. I know how hard funerals can be...

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Addams
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Re: Kids & funerals
« Reply #7 on: Aug 12^th, 2003, 10:03pm »

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Will be thinking of you. Let us know if you have any further thoughts on this topic afterwards. I would be interested to hear back from you.

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luci
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Re: Kids & funerals
« Reply #8 on: Aug 12^th, 2003, 10:06pm »

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Good Luck to you on this decision. When my Grandfather passed my children were almost 4 and 6. I couldn't bear the thought of them viewing a dead person for fear of what they might keep in their sub-conscious little mind afterward.

Each person has to go with what they feel is right for their own child.
My sincere sympathy to you on the loss of your Grandmother..

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