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Topic: The funny thread (Read 955 times)

darnchts
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The funny thread
« on: Aug 13^th, 2003, 9:13pm »

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Not sure why there isn't one..but I like to laugh..so here is the first installment...

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger
woman.

The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to
remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out
and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given three days
on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal
belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited
a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for
the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless,
the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.

They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place
out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were
steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced,
and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The
Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing
job, taking everything to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.

Shocked

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Pau
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #1 on: Aug 13^th, 2003, 9:32pm »

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well... that was a very good and soft revenge.. Grin

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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #2 on: Aug 14^th, 2003, 11:19pm »

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That was so funny and clever. How did you hear that and I wonder what happened next?

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azure
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #3 on: Aug 15^th, 2003, 10:36am »

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lmao, good one Cheesy

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luci
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #4 on: Aug 16^th, 2003, 10:14am »

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience about health issues and stated, "the material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful, soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG, high far diets can be dissastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangeroius of all, and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after consuming it"?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75 yr old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake"!

Eventually the laughter died down and the Doctor finished his speech, forgetting to tell the audience the answer!

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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #5 on: Aug 16^th, 2003, 5:39pm »

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lmao, another good one Cheesy

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darnchts
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #6 on: Aug 16^th, 2003, 9:26pm »

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hasn't hurt me yet Grin

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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #7 on: Aug 19^th, 2003, 8:22am »

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Another funny one. Anyone here happens to know the answer?

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MzWings
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #8 on: Aug 19^th, 2003, 8:28am »

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on Aug 19^th, 2003, 8:22am, arfan wrote:

Another funny one. Anyone here happens to know the answer?

I believe the answer is "wedding cake"......

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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #9 on: Aug 19^th, 2003, 8:43am »

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Christian one-liners:

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in
their pews.

It is easier to preach 10 sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything w/out a purpose, but mosquitoes come
close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road,
and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it
has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should
you?

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up & permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make
which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just
sitting on the premises.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not
protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
(the best is always last)

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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #10 on: Aug 19^th, 2003, 8:43am »

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Oh, really. I'd never thought of that.

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luci
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #11 on: Aug 24^th, 2003, 4:29pm »

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Hey, our wedding cake didn't hurt us either, in fact we're ready to renew our vows. Not that we feel we need to, just because we want to do so. CELEBRATE!

The answer to this joke is , BEEF

« Last Edit: Aug 24^th, 2003, 4:30pm by luci »

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darnchts
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #12 on: Aug 25^th, 2003, 5:48pm »

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Please, let us fight this CONSPIRACY !

WE MUST STOP THIS SINISTER PLOT!

Have you ever noticed that as the years go by, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper, groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was horrified to discover how long our street had become! I never noticed when I was younger that it's been changing!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also have a feeling that these people are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, something has been making people who used to be my own age so much older than I am.

I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ... and I noticed that even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Clothing manufacturers are part of the conspiracy too! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

The people who make bathroom scales are in on it as well. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? Hah! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon *everyone* will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
P.S.: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too.

Grin

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darnchts
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #13 on: Aug 25^th, 2003, 5:49pm »

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More of What I Have Learnt In life...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities (or reality show celebrities?? LOL)

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

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darnchts
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Re: The funny thread
« Reply #14 on: Aug 25^th, 2003, 5:51pm »

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Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.

Abbott: That's terrific, Lou

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!

Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you. I heard that you are a real computer expert.

Abbott: Well, I don't know....

Costello: Yes-sir-EE. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.

Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbott: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then.....

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

Abbott: I know, you press the Start button and.....

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.

Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.

Abbott: Start

Costello: Start what!?

Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!

Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean!

Abbott: To shut down the computer, press....

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbott: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversion.

Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

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