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   JOKES

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Topic: JOKES (Read 1013 times)

david
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JOKES
« on: Sep 4^th, 2003, 10:48pm »

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I thought I would start a thread for jokes we all get them well now we can share them but although many are a lil taboo lets agree NOT to post jokes that are crude or have foul language I will start here is one I got today

Oh, the marvels of science!

A WOMAN ASKS HER HUSBAND IF HE'D LIKE SOME BREAKFAST. "WOULD YOU LIKE BACON AND EGGS PERHAPS? A SLICE OF TOAST AND MAYBE SOME
GRAPEFRUIT AND COFFEE?", SHE ASKS.

HE DECLINES. "IT'S THIS VIAGRA," HE SAYS. "ITS REALLY TAKEN THE EDGE
OFF MY APPETITE."

AT LUNCHTIME, SHE ASKS IF HE WOULD LIKE SOMETHING. " A BOWL OF
HOMEMADE SOUP, HOMEMADE MUFFINS OR A CHEESE SANDWICH?" SHE
INQUIRES.

HE DECLINES. "THE VIAGRA," HE SAYS, "REALLY TRASHES MY DESIRE FOR
FOOD."

COME DINNERTIME, SHE ASKS IF HE WANTS ANYTHING TO EAT. WOULD HE LIKE
MAYBE A STEAK AND APPLE PIE? MAYBE HE'D LIKE A MICROWAVED PIZZA OR A TASTY STIR-FRY THAT WOULD ONLY TAKE A COUPLE OF MINUTES?

HE DECLINES. "NAW, STILL NOT HUNGRY."

"WELL," SHE SAYS, "WOULD YOU MIND LETTING ME UP? I'M STARVING."

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Sheisback
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #1 on: Sep 5^th, 2003, 10:59am »

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Don't argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and then they beat you up with experience.

david
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #2 on: Sep 5^th, 2003, 11:48am »

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently
led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love
he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"
he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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david
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #3 on: Sep 6^th, 2003, 11:00am »

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How to Wash the Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top ... so cat cannot escape. 5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this) .

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely, The Dog

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MzWings
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #4 on: Sep 6^th, 2003, 1:56pm »

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K - I'll throw in a couple.

CHUCKLES........

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the"terminal?"
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

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A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says:

"Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

Red
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #5 on: Sep 6^th, 2003, 5:16pm »

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Hope y'all like this one...

Smart Lady

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and ! rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket. " She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque."

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MzWings
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #6 on: Sep 6^th, 2003, 5:54pm »

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Now - that was a good one Red. Maybe we should all remember that.... :laff:

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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

david
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #7 on: Sep 6^th, 2003, 6:07pm »

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Bumper
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #8 on: Sep 7^th, 2003, 11:58am »

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[quote author=MzWings link=board=grapevine;num=1062733723;start=0#4 date=09/06/03 at 13:56:57A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says:

"Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

[/quote]

Hey Wingsy, you forgot the punchline on this joke, It goes . . . . . . .

. . . . so the woman thinks for a moment and says, "OK, print this. 'Billy Bob died, Golf Clubs for sale.' "

Grin

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luci
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #9 on: Sep 7^th, 2003, 8:36pm »

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Good funny jokes people! Keep 'em coming!

:laff:

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

david
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #10 on: Sep 7^th, 2003, 10:23pm »

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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen
by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination
room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor
stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The
older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor
was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his
clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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azure
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #11 on: Sep 8^th, 2003, 9:22am »

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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there.... I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on..........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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HELLO EVERYBODY!!

david
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #12 on: Sep 8^th, 2003, 9:29am »

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the
brunette tells her sister, "Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,
......no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to
send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to
our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word ."comfortable".

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde........ The word's big.
She'll read it slowly..... ("com-for-da-bul")

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MzWings
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #13 on: Sep 8^th, 2003, 10:08am »

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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

Bumper
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Re: JOKES
« Reply #14 on: Sep 8^th, 2003, 9:12pm »

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DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

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If U R reading these old posts, know that we were once a great, active cyber-community, but as in all things..Time moves on. This is now a Ghost Town.

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