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Topic: Abusive Relationships (Read 127 times)

Rhune
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Abusive Relationships
« on: Oct 10^th, 2003, 5:16pm »

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I was reading Dear Abby today and came across this, and I wanted to copy it here. I think it's important to share this kind of information around in the hopes that someone who's in this type of situation recognizes they want out. I don't know if there's anyone in our forums right now going through this, but if there is, maybe this will benefit you.
Rhune

WOMAN MUST START NOW TO STOP BOYFRIEND'S ABUSE
Thu Oct 9, 8:00 PM ET

By Abigail Van Buren

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend hits me and makes me have sex with him all the time. He says he does this because I make him do it. He tells me he is the only guy who could ever love me. Please tell me what I am doing wrong. I am scared it's going to get worse. -- AFRAID IN THE BROKEN HEARTLAND

DEAR AFRAID: You have done nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is a rapist and an abuser, and he is using a classic abuser's technique -- make the victim blame herself. It WILL get worse unless you put a stop to it. I urge you to pick up the phone and call the police. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). There is help for you.

The following warning signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark. Please read them carefully. I'm positive you will recognize your abuser in many of them.

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

« Last Edit: Oct 10^th, 2003, 5:17pm by Rhune »

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MzWings
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Re: Abusive Relationships
« Reply #1 on: Oct 10^th, 2003, 5:41pm »

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Thanks for that Rhune. I so hope no one here is in an abusive relationship. If there is just one - just know that we're here to offer help in any way we can.

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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

luci
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Re: Abusive Relationships
« Reply #2 on: Oct 10^th, 2003, 7:11pm »

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OMG, this is horrible. And we have grand daughters approaching their teen years. Oh my!

Abuse is abuse, whether it is violent or with words and anyone in a relationship such as this should run, don't walk and get away fast and stay away from a person such as this one. This guy is sick! Angry

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

Rhune
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Re: Abusive Relationships
« Reply #3 on: Oct 10^th, 2003, 7:42pm »

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Unfortunately there are many out there like him, or like him to a lesser degree. Sometimes people just don't recognize they are in an abusive relationship and sometimes people know, but are afraid to get out. Either way, it's just important to circulate that help is out there.

An important thing I have learned because of friends who got burned by not doing this - if you decide you are going to leave an abusive relationship, please call the abuse hotline and ask for advice on how to leave, even if you need to do it anonymously. I have two friends who did not do this and both have had to deal with their exes over and over on custody and visitation issues with the kids. Abusers love to continue to manipulate and abuse through the courts and through the kids if they can. One friend did go through the abuse hotline and they not only helped her leave safely, they also helped out with lawyers and made sure she got full custody of her children.

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luci
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Re: Abusive Relationships
« Reply #4 on: Oct 3^rd, 2004, 10:55am »

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I've been going back looking for the BER thread and came across this thread. Why did it get such little attention, this is a subject that needs more discussion.

Were you abused? Are you an abuser? Maybe by opening up this discussion we might be able to help someone not be abused or not to be an abuser.
What do you have to say on this subject?

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

Rhune
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Re: Abusive Relationships
« Reply #5 on: Oct 3^rd, 2004, 11:30am »

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My first husband was abusive. I left when it turned physical, but I put up with his verbal/emotional abuse for about 3 years prior to that.

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sweetmisery
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Re: Abusive Relationships
« Reply #6 on: Oct 3^rd, 2004, 11:45am »

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Well I admit I was during the first few relationships I had. No not the crazy abuser type but the jealous type - at a high degree... As well as controlling. Of course sa experiences and time goes by, so does wisdom. I still have flaws these days, but not grave or farfetched. In fact, Im a martyr when it comes to lost love, that in return, some of my ex-gfs tends to take advantage of my feelings.

The letter though about the girl complaining, its hard to believe such exists, but yeah they do. Its sad that some guys are actually like that, and its more sad that girls let themselves in that position.

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"When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return."
--- Homer Simpson

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