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Topic: Christmas With Louise (joke) (Read 276 times)

Rhune
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Christmas With Louise (joke)
« on: Dec 12^th, 2003, 3:05pm »

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Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all
he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had
to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does
this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated
doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come
in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
"Lovable Louise." she was at the bottom of the price
scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination. On Christmas Eve and
with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me
in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on
a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple
of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had made
him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should
remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family
could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My
brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who
would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice,
Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But
Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't
she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered,
but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted
to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed
Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just
talking, but actually flirting. It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last
Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my
father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The
cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his
knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped
out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot
ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health.

Merry Christmas!

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Insane 4 Survivor
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #1 on: Dec 12^th, 2003, 3:11pm »

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Thanks for sharing Rhune, that is hilarious!

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Addams
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #2 on: Dec 12^th, 2003, 6:32pm »

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hilarious. Great read.

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MzWings
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #3 on: Dec 12^th, 2003, 6:33pm »

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Maybe I'm having a major brain fart - but I'd swear something similar to that story happened in real life to coggyBelle's grandfather (?). Please correct me if I'm wrong coggy!

:laff:

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chickmama
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #4 on: Dec 13^th, 2003, 8:35am »

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Oh, that is good. Grin

I am suffering from a headache this morning, and was expecting a bad day. Thanks Rhune, that was what I needed. Cool

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luci
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #5 on: Dec 13^th, 2003, 10:17am »

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Whoevers whatever did this is about the funniest story I've heard in awhile! I read it yesterday before anyone else had replied and did not have time to sign in and reply, but I've sure been thinking about how funny it is!
Mr L. will read this one! Grin

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Rhune
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #6 on: Dec 13^th, 2003, 1:20pm »

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Laugh, I saw it once last year I think, and was glad to see it again this year since it's not one of those overly passed around ones. I'm glad you all enjoyed it too! :devilish:

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LibertyBelle
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #7 on: Dec 13^th, 2003, 10:23pm »

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LOL no Wingsy, I posted it at the old hangout, and only after I posted it I told everyone it wasn't a real story. It was always a joke, but it's just as funny now as it was then. :laff:

Wings, I'm amazed that you remember that I was the one who posted that story - at least two years ago. Or has it been three? No, I think it was two. Wink

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Bumper
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #8 on: Dec 13^th, 2003, 11:50pm »

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Well, since it's Christmas stories we're telling, I'll tell one on myself and this is no joke, it actually happened.

When I first married my bride, since it was a second marriage for both of us, we decided that we needed to start some "traditions". What better way to do that than to go out to one of the Currier& Ives type farms we have here in the area and actually cut down our own live Christmas tree. We had only been in the new house for less than a year and this was going to be our first REAL Christmas . . . like we had always pictured. You know the drill, the traditional house, the live tree, a real colonial traditional Christmas.

So, we headed out to the Christmas tree farm one Saturday, the tractor n wagon took us out to the field, the guy handed us a handsaw and off we went to look for the "perfect" tree. After about a half hour of trudging along, looking and evaluating MANY trees, we found it! The perfect tree! What more could you ask for, . . . . a unbelievably fresh, live Christmas tree. I used the trusty saw to cut that sucker down and then we dragged it back to the farm lane to wait for the wagon to pick us up and take us back to the place where we paid for the tree. I put it up on top of the car and back to the city we drove.

Well, we put that tree up, decorated it and it was a beauty! So fresh and fragrant, not a needle fell off that sucker! The thing was loaded with ornaments from our combined pasts. We were right damn proud and thought that you know, this is what Christmas was all about!

On Christmas morning, we exchanged our presents, had our Christmas breakfast and later my wife, (as is the custom in our area) placed our gifts back out under the tree. It had been a bitterly cold winter that year and we felt so satisfied, warm and comfortable, sitting around Christmas day afternoon, just sitting and admiring the tree, the presents underneath, the decorated house. . . . life was good, if you know what I mean.

As we were sitting there, admiring the tree, my wife decided that she wanted to try on one of the items that I had given her. She slaunters over to the tree and she noticed that there were little black "specks" all over the white tissue wrapping paper that each gift was laid in, inside their boxes. All of a sudden, she screamed that the little black "specks" were MOVING!! I came running and low and behold, the little black specks were not just specks, they were CRITTERS!! They were EVERYWHERE!! and they were on the move!!

Well, it seems that those little black specks were not just "specks", they were just recently hatched TICKS!! Our idealic traditional American Christmas tree was unbelievably infested with TICKS!! This wonderful, beautiful, fresh Christmas tree had for the whole year before it became ours, had been the home (read nest!) to a prolific family of ticks. These ticks had gone dormant, or whatever ticks do when it gets too damn cold to be active ticks, and were just hibernating in our perfect tree until the next summer and wamer weather. Unfortunately, when we cut it down, took it home and put it up in our nice WARM home, these ticks thought it was summer again and decided it was time to liven up, and move on to start their own little tick family someplace other than that crowded little Christmas tree!

Well, I guess we looked like two chinese fireman in a shit-hot chinese firedrill because we quickly came to the quick conclusion that the only recourse was to get that tick infested tree out of the house! . . . and pronto!

I don't think that a tree has ever been UNDECORATED as fast as that one was. The missus was jerking balls and bulbs and tinsel off that sucker and I was ripping whole strings of lights from the braches. All the while, little black "specks" are scurring around trying to save themselves. EVERYTHING had to be inspected and vacumed as it was taken off the tree. God, those ticks looked like they were multiplying as we tried to get things off the tree. It was a sight to behold.

As the last ornament came off the tree, the wife ran for the vaceum and I hurled open the back door and cleared a path for the tree's exit. By this time we both were feeling like those damn ticks were crawling all over us. (Think the scene from Alfred Hitchcock's film "The Birds").

As I dragged the entire tree, stand and all, out of the house and out into the driveway, the missus was following right on my heels with the vac. This entire scene played out as our new neighbors were standing out in front of THEIR house, greeting their relatives who had just arrived for what I guess was THEIR perfect, traditional Christmas gathering.

Well, with my wife, vac in hand sucking up any stray critter that had attempted to flee off the tree, following behind me, I dragged the offending tree out into the driveway. As my wife yelled various words of encouragement, advice, and "ugh, it feels like they're crawling all over me!", I grabbed the gas can from the corner of the garage and started dousing the entire tree in gasoline.

Now I guess you had to be there, but picture neighbors looking on as if they cannot for the love of God, figure out why these two crazed people have dragged their Christmas tree, stand and all, out into the driveway on Christmas afternoon. Then throw in a woman, swating imaginary critters crawling all over her back. Next thing you see is the hubby dousing VERY liberal amounts of gasoline all over the offending tree and screaming "STAND BACK"!!

Then with a WHOOOSH and a big ball of flame, the sweet, idealic, traditional Christmas tree, trailing a leftover amount of silver tinsel, goes up in a LARGE ball of flame.

At that point, I guess Christmas was about over in the Bumper household for THAT year. I put the gas can away, Missus rolled up the electrical cord and dragged her vac back into the house and we closed the door. The fireball burned on.

As I gave one look back, I looked past the burning, smoking tree and observed my neighbors, the entire family, standing awestruck with mouths hanging so open you could drive a truck in there. I guess they were in shock.

As we stood there inside, looking out the window at our first Christmas tradition going up in flames, we broke out into laughter. Not so much at ourselves, but at the shocked reaction we had gotten from our neighbors. I imagined that they were wondering just what the hell was going on and exactly WHO WERE those HEATHENS that had moved in next door with their weird Christmas tradition of burning the Christmas tree in the driveway on Christmas day. Grin

So ended our tradition of going out and cutting our own tree. The next year I made sure to ask the Lot Attendant at the Christmas Tree Sales Lot, if the trees had been SPRAYED!! Wink

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luci
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #9 on: Dec 14^th, 2003, 8:46am »

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What a good true story! Thanks for starting my Sunday Morning off with a laugh! :laff:

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chickmama
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #10 on: Dec 14^th, 2003, 10:23am »

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OMG Bump, I cried the first time you told me that story, and I cried harder this time. Please make sure you tell me that one again next year. Cool

LOLOLOLOL

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LibertyBelle
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #11 on: Dec 14^th, 2003, 11:27am »

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Bump, I had forgotten about the tick tree. :laff:

Have you kept up the tradition of the bonfire tree on Christmas day? Grin

« Last Edit: Dec 14^th, 2003, 11:27am by LibertyBelle »

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MzWings
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Re: Christmas With Louise (joke)
« Reply #12 on: Dec 14^th, 2003, 11:49am »

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on Dec 13^th, 2003, 10:23pm, LibertyBelle wrote:

Wings, I'm amazed that you remember that I was the one who posted that story - at least two years ago. Or has it been three? No, I think it was two. Wink

I'm amazed I remembered it too. 'Course I forgot the part about it being a joke. :laff:

And Bumps - the Christmas Ticktree is every bit as good as the first time you told us about it. Ticks! Ewwwww!

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