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Topic: Another good reason for me to dislike Hollidays... (Read 574 times)

Sheisback
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Another good reason for me to dislike Hollidays...
« on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 11:05am »

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It's no secret, I dont like Holliday Season. I dont like what happened to Xmas. I am probably a Scrooge Roll Eyes

Every year its the same, I am sad when December comes, its a pain to me to go shopping for presents because I never know what to buy to people, I always feel that I dont give enough and that I receive too much ( in money value ) and that we forget, year after year, what Xmas is really about.

I am always wondering where has the true holliday spirit gone? (btw does Holliday takes one L or two Ls)

I wanted to make an extra effort this year, get "in the mood" early, try to appreciate blah blah blah. I honestly failed. I did decorate the house (for Mimi) and I took her to see Santa twice at the mall, I made a list of the stuff she asked Santa for and as far as I know she got them all.
This is one part of my problem. The MIL appropriates herself the "Mimi's gift list" and bought them all without telling us first. Angry

Oh, of course she loves her, but thats just too much. Now Mimi is expecting Santa to give her everything she is asking for in the future, and more. ugh. This is not exactely Xmas spirit to me, and certainly not the kind of expectations I want her to have.

Part 2 of my problem: My mother and my brother went into this huuuuuuuge arguement on the 24th. I have only one brother. Result of this: I spent Xmas day with my mother and father, and my brother spent Xmas day with the rest of the family (uncles and aunts) on my mother's side. My mother wasnt at that party... she purposely stopped talking to them this last summer. Roll Eyes

I refused to take side in this fight, as I agree with some of the points they both have but I also disagree with some other points they have against each other. I think my brother was expecting me to support him. LOL
I know better. I know my mother... and I dont like fighting, especially with loved ones. I also think that I owe respect to my mother, and that my brother is old enough to know what he was getting into before he openned his mouth.
So, am I egoist, hypocrit, coward or sane for not wanting to take side and get involved in their crisis? I dont know.
What I do know is that I will always remember this Xmas as the saddest one I had.

End of rant. Am I the only one who dislikes Hollidays so much?
Huh

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david
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #1 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 11:34am »

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Other than a couple points I will address later it seems your "problem" with "The Season" has little or nothing to do with Xmas or even you for that matter. I too have family memebers "not speaking" I too have taken NO SIDE a speak to both sides. Why? ITS NOT MY FIGHT! I enjoy the company of both sides and both sides know and respect that. I might add that their fight was NOT my issue therefore I refuse to allow it to disturb me I have enough of my own issues I dont need to adopts others! I taught my children long ago to enjoy what they have and they will be happy and they do. they are just as happy with a toy from a Happy Meal as they are with NEW Bikes. Now to address your issue getting everything they want is a goal nothing more if your child expect this then you need to use your parenting skills to teach them this isnt always they way. When I was still married to my ex wife we came into a LARGE amount of money one year and the kids DID get everything they wanted and that was fine but they also understood this was NOT an every year event! Using the "Naughty List" theory could help with Santa bringing everything but still best solution is simple teach your kids NOW life isnt handed to them! Xmas is about the Birth of Jesus we adults know that and can teach our children that. Getting into the season is easy and you DID! We celebrate Jesus's birth by giving to others and you DID! It seems you cant see the forrest for thru the trees! You did a wonderful job of getting into the season and your being upset over not being able to share it with ALL your family shows that spirt also. I hope I havent offended you that was NOT my goal but seems to me that your looking at this wrong and you DO have the spirit of The Holidays! I wish you and your Family Happy Holidays. One last thing this season is about "giving" and it seems to me but what you wrote you did nothing but give and even want to share more and that my dear lady is what Chirstmas is all about GIVING. MERRY CHIRSTMAS Kiss

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Rhune
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #2 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 2:52pm »

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I agree with David, it sounds like your grief over the holidays is associated with the grief you have gotten from dealing with family at that time. There is nothing you can do about your mother-in-law giving her so many presents this year. Next year, you can make sure she is not given the full list. You decide which items on the list you want her to get and make it clear to your husband that it's not fair for his mother to get all the gifts for Mimi and to leave you with nothing to get her, or however you might need to put it, but either way make sure you put your foot down to him about it and then together you both need to give your MIL the amended shortened list. If the MIL asks, don't be shy to say that yes, there are some other items she wants, but those are on YOUR list to get her and there is no reason for her to get them twice. If she pressures you for details, just simply tell her again that the items on her list are safe for her to buy. Now this does not mean you have to then go out and get her everything else she wants that's not on the list, it just helps you to minimize the MIL problem. The trick with this is that both you and your husband need to stand firm together on this. Talk it over, make sure you're on the same page. Make it very clear how you feel about it.

Now, secondly, don't beat yourself up over what you've given people and what they've given you. Most people don't keep a scale at home that they measure up how much they spent on you vs. how much you spent on them. That's just not what it's about and most other people are not doing this. Each person gives what they feel is appropriate and what they can afford to give within their means and there is no shame in that. One of the gifts I've given in the past that was really cherished when I was very poor, was I purchased some plain blue christmas bulbs and some glue and white sand, and then I just drew on each one with the glue and sprinkled sand on it, making snowmen, or christmas trees, snowflakes, etc. and then personalizing each one with the person's name and the year. Most of my relatives still hang these each year on the tree. They were beautiful and I put effort into them, but I probably purchased the whole thing for $10, which was really all I could afford that year to spend on other people. This year, for the grandparents, rather than store-bought things, I spent some time putting together and printing out homemade calendars for each one, using pictures of the boys for the months. The grandparents are just thrilled to death, and I have gotten a lot of compliments on them, and I am certain they are cherished more than say a $100 dress at the store. In the end the dollar amount I spent doesn't matter and I was still able to give them something nice they will treasure the whole year. I think there are a lot of people who fall into a holiday rut where they are caught up in the unhappiness of the season and easily fall back into it each year, sometimes before anything unhappy has even happened. You've got to pull yourself out of that. Plan ahead, figure out how to minimize stressful situations like with the MIL. Make a game plan for next year that you feel good about and then make sure your hubby is on the same page with you, because you can't do it alone. You need him to be in your corner on this or it will not work and you will feel worse than ever.

As far as the family argument goes, you are playing it very smart. Don't get in the middle, and make it clear to everyone that you will not get in the middle. People will be grumbly in the moment, but will respect you more over time for it.

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luci
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #3 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 2:57pm »

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I agree with all of the above comments. I had typed a whole page and it just got lost, for I'm still not too god on this laptop, but I'm getting there!

Just know you are not alone, at Christmas or all through the year.
Easter is a comin' soon!

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azure
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #4 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 4:40pm »

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(hugs)

sorry the holidays dont work out for you sheis

hope better things begin happening soon

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Addams
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #5 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 5:30pm »

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Sheisback I always have trouble with feelings of being overwhelmed and also sadness at Christmas. But I try to focus on the small joys and let the rest of it just be for now. I can deal with all that later.

It is always the thought that counts and give yourself permission to have different expectations. I find that helps too. I also try to focus on the true meaning of Christmas.

I am sorry about family issues interfering with Christmas. They will work themselves out and you are right to show support but not take sides.

I wish I could do more for you friend. Tongue

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luci
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #6 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 5:31pm »

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All of have some kind of family disfunction that makes it difficult to be around these people, whether it is at Christmas or any time during the year. Some we have to deal with, some we just never see and this is good!

I love Christmas Season, love to decorate, love to cook, love to shop for people I love, I love the season! In the past few years, something has happened each year to mess up the day. I've come to expect it. At least last year my grand daughter was born aboiut 3 p.m. that afternoon. No, we had not gotten together with my two children and this time I did not go get my Mother either. Somehow this birth of this baby got all of us together at the hospital at the same time.

"And a little child shall lead", well this one did for sure! Other than her birth, we would have not been together at all.

My Mother is very very lucky that we brought her here, for she stirred up this mess with me and my two children and no matter what happens now, nothing will ever be the same. We always got together, laughed, had fun and enjoyed being together. Now the air is tense and thick between me and my son. Thankfulky it is better with my daughter. As I said to my Mother, "you will die, but we will live for a few more years, maybe, but what you've caused will never go away and I'll live with it forever." She choose to not comment on this issue anymore. When she is guilty of something, she changes the subject.

Sheis, all I can say is "you are not alone", for most of us have some kind of family disfunction. My husband and I have decided that friends are a lot better than family for they don't hurt you quite as much. If they do, we can always blow it off easier and not see them at all. Being a member of a family is not an easy task! Being an only child is harder!

Cheer up, Christmas Season 2004 is only about 300 days away until time to decorate again! Grin

Laugh about it, you can't take sides and can't afford to let others upset you and your family. Hang in there! Cheesy

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david
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #7 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 6:11pm »

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A thought has came to me that I didnt think of before. We tend to put expectations on everything (including Chirstmas) this leads to disappointment. I might also add that "bad things" happen all through the year regardless of date! We expect Chirstmas to be perfect and everyone happy and joyous in real life $#@& happens. Dont spoil Chirstmas (or any day) our happiness is our to make or steal away. Chirstmas is about GIVING nothing more! We give because that is how we honor Jesus who GAVE everything (including his life) what better way to honor him then to give ourselves. I might add this from my own Chirstmas I got Pilar two tops and she got me a wireless mouse THAT WAS IT! now the kids got gifts galore from us and sitter Grandparents etc and seeing their faces on Chirstmas morning openning these gifts MADE my Chirstmas and Pilar's! Now that is a TRUE celebration of Chirstmas and one that honors Jesus quite well

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darnchts
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #8 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 7:51pm »

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Christmas was much different for me this year and I can see why you feel the way you do SIB. I definitely found myself much more connected to the true meaning of Christmas as I struggled through the day.

I wish I also could offer words to help you but I cannot. I hate the Commercialism that Christmas has become. My friends and family did get nice gifts as always but I buy from the heart not cause I felt I had to.

:hug:

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MzWings
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #9 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 9:21pm »

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OH*MY*HECK.....

I just had a good post going and my finger punched something it shouldn't have done.

Look SIB! You have the spirit of Christmas in your soul. This will be eventually conveyed to Mimi. You haven't lost the Christmas spirit. And MIL needs to be told only certain gifts she could present to her granddaughter. Not the whole kitandkaboodle.

The "reason for the season" is in you too. The commercialism out there is for the shoppers like you and me. They want our money. The gifts we purchase for our loved ones (and friends) represent the gifts presented to Jesus Christ (if you're a Christian) when he was born. Sears or Penny's could care less.

SIB: "I wanted to make an extra effort this year, get "in the mood" early, try to appreciate blah blah blah. I honestly failed."

You did? I don't think so and I think Mimi loved it. My love, you didn't fail.

SIB: "Part 2 of my problem: My mother and my brother went into this huuuuuuuge arguement on the 24th," and "I refused to take side in this fight, as I agree with some of the points they both have but I also disagree with some other points they have against each other."

That's a shame (about their fight/disagreement), but how you handled yourself, was quite appropriate. Respect was shown in proper order. So "Part 2 of YOUR problem" isn't your problem after all. I totally agree with the most kind and honourable Rhune and David, in what they conveyed.

SIB: "So, am I egoist, hypocrite, coward or sane for not wanting to take side and get involved in their crisis? I dont know."

No - you're none of those things and what's more, you know it. It's THEIR crisis, not yours and I hope you'll remain true to yourself and stay out of it.

SIB: "What I do know is that I will always remember this Xmas as the saddest one I had.

If you continue to feel this way come Christmas next year, it will be your loss. But knowing you as long as I have, I think you'll view this as an ephiphany (talk about spelling :laff:

) and chalk it up to another learning experience in this thing we call "life". You're a good soul and have a good forgiving heart. You'll be fine.

SIB: "End of rant. Am I the only one who dislikes Holl idays so much?"

I doubt it - I'm sure lots of people rage about Christmastime for various reasons. I miss being with the large family I used to enjoy at holidays. Last year was my saddest Christmas, simply because it didn't exist (except in our hearts) as there was no money for nothin'.

"END OF RANT": If at any time, you feel you need to let down your hair and rant to the max - come here. You'll feel better and you won't be ignored nor belittled. Just know you're loved.

We're listening...... :hugs: :hug:

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MzWings
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #10 on: Dec 28^th, 2003, 9:29pm »

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on Dec 28^th, 2003, 2:52pm, Rhune wrote:

.This year, for the grandparents, rather than store-bought things, I spent some time putting together and printing out homemade calendars for each one, using pictures of the boys for the months. The grandparents are just thrilled to death, and I have gotten a lot of compliments on them, and I am certain they are cherished more than say a $100 dress at the store.

1. Write a check for an outlandishly expensive gift. Nice.
2. Hope they like it. Worry, fret, heartburn
3. A gift from the heart: PRICELESS!!!

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Red
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #11 on: Dec 29^th, 2003, 7:32am »

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I'm not sure about anyone else...but I do have to say that thank goodness this holiday season is going to be over sooner than later...people were at their nastiest this year, much more so than other years...and it made going to work and getting thru work very very difficult...there was no patience, and certainly no cheer...I'll be glad when it's all done!

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david
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #12 on: Dec 29^th, 2003, 7:44am »

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Funny I didnt see that and I work in retail but then I work Loss Prevention so I only deal with the Theifs. Honestly though I didnt see it as that bad but I always try (and sometimes succeed) to see the brightier side of things. I learned many things when I sobered up 17 years ago but one was I make what my day, week , month etc etc is NOT any Person, Place, or Thing and I choose to be happy! Believe it or not it is that simple!

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Sheisback
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #13 on: Dec 29^th, 2003, 9:03am »

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Whoa ! I certainly didnt expect so many GOOD replies ! Would you guys come over and have a lil chat with my MIL and my mother? Wink

I guess you said it, it can never be perfect, although we expect it to be. Thats probably what describes best my feeling.

Yesterday I went through all- ALL- Mimi's toys in the house, we sorted them out, we chose which one we were keeping (because we are running out of space)and which ones she wanted to give away, and then we went to the nearest charity(a place where people gather and cook togheter and talk, and kids have access to toys and healthy snacks) and we gave them the 2 full big black bags of toys. You should have seen the eyes of the 2 kids that were there. One of them asked his mother: Mom, can we share with "name" and "name"? Now thats what I call true Holliday spirit. These kids, that have nothing or very little, thought about sharing first. I am seriously considering spending my next Xmas there, althought I think my mother would disaprove...lol I can already hear her " You prefer to be with these strangers instead of your parents?" Oh well... as luci kindly reminded me, theres only about 300 days left before next Holliday season. I have time to think of a plan.

As for my mother-brother situation, I think they worked things out togheter, they are talking at least. But I know they are both still hurting over that, and that is making me sad.

Guess what? I like New Years Day ! Wink

It is marking the end of the Hollidays season for me, but most and for all it is really like turning the page and starting a new chapter.

The in laws are coming over for dinner today. I dont know if I should lead the conversation to the gifts topic...we'll see how it goes.

Thanks everybody for the good thoughts and tips. I am trully happy for you that you enjoyed Xmas and the Hollidays.

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david
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Re: Another good reason for me to dislike Holliday
« Reply #14 on: Dec 29^th, 2003, 9:05am »

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Sounds like you "FOUND" your Holiday Spirit! Cool

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