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   Can We Talk?

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Topic: Can We Talk? (Read 699 times)

luci
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Can We Talk?
« on: Jan 15^th, 2004, 11:50am »

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As most of you have read, we moved my Mother in with us last May.

We constantly see the deterioration of her mind and body. Taking care of her is more stressful than running after my two toddlers were! Making sure she gets her meds on time, has food on time, does not take falls, etc.

Yesterday she mentally made a turn for the worse! She told us it is 1963!
We're leaving early in the morning and she is staying the week in a wonderful assisted living place close to our home and close enough that my children can check on her while we're away.

I'm leaving here wondering if when I return, that she'll even know me!

This one factor is so disturbing for I have friends whose parents have done this also. To think when my Mom dies that she won't even know who we are is so sad.

Knowing some of you have had and are having this situation with parents also, I just wanted to say, this is one forum member who understands your grief and stress.
When my Mom is no longer here, I can't believe that I will shed more tears than what I've done these past three years watching her Ac tive mind and body go away.

Since I am the only child and my Mom was 19 when I was born, we've had a different kind of relationship than other Mothers & Daughters.

My Mom would send me to the store with my Dad during WW2, and he would let me pick out the 25lb sack of flour for her to make a dress for me. The she would go to the Variety Store and purchase a pr of sox for 25 cents and a yard of ribbon for 5 cents to match the dress. These are memories I hope never forget.

Now she is like a little child and I am the Molther. I don't want to be the Molther! I've been packing her suitcase this morning and wiping tears in between, so that she won't see me c ry. Then she would be upet also.

My Mom taught me to dance. My Mom taught me to clean house, to do laundry, took me to Sunday School and did every one of things you hear a Mom is supposed to do.

And we've had some terrible disagreements along the way. I've been so angry with her and she with me. Never to the point that I stayed away from her for very long. For she is my Mom and even though she's done some things that have hurt me, I forgive her. And I also know I've said and done somethings that have hurt her.

There is not a pill in the Universe that can take away this empty feeling that your parent is just not there as you knew them.

So any of you in cyber land that has elderly paprents, my heart is with you, for there I walk also.

Sorry if this sounds so sad, but I miss my Mother!

Now, I'm ending this before I flood this Laptop and finish getting dress so we can take her to her home for the next week.

Thanks for listening, I needed this therapy session today!
For all of you who still have healthy parents, make sure hou hug them or call them today, just to say "i Love You!"

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

david
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #1 on: Jan 15^th, 2004, 12:14pm »

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Although not exactly the same i recall being a teenager when my grandfather had suffered his 4th stroke in 2 years time it took five before the tough old guy could fight anymore. But I recall my sister and I seeing him at home and he thought we hadnt been to see him in six months when it had only been a week or two. He had lost all concept of time and he cried that he thought we hadnt been there for that long. It really hurt to see him that way. This man was in his 60s and was climbing mountain with my sister and I abd he would beat us up the hills and we took paths that you needed tree limbs etc to hold onto. This toughold guy was beating teenagers at tennis in his 60s. To see him so frail and his meantal condition so far down really really hurt. My sister and I being teenagers sought advice from our Mom and Dad what they told us I will pass on to you Luci. take the time you have no matter how much it may distress you and take what joy you can out of it because its the best he can do! Also rememeber all the love he gave you its that love that will live on after he is gone and you can pass on to your own children and grandchildren. So my sister and I did exactly that we took what small joy even a smile from him duiring his last days weeks and months and we recalled and still do all the joy he brought into our lives and even after death still does. If I am half the man this little 4' 11" man was then I will be very pleased. If I can bring half the joy to others he did then I have honored him well. the short version Luci remember all the GOOD things and take what joy even small ones you can now because they are the best she can do and know that her love is there and always will be they cant be taken away. I hope that helped some. Bless you and your family Luci Kiss

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Rhune
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #2 on: Jan 15^th, 2004, 1:01pm »

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oh, Luci

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Rhune
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #3 on: Jan 15^th, 2004, 1:09pm »

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My grandfather died of alzheimers when I was in the 6th grade. It was a very hard year for me. To be honest, I never really knew him until after he had gone downhill. My grandparents lived several states away and we visited them somewhat less often than once a year growing up. When I was 11, my grandfather had started to go downhill and so my father (his parents) drove out, helped them sell their house and move to a duplex a couple miles away from where we were living. That's when I really got to know them. He was a sweet old man, with a stubborn streak. I remember that the last time he saw me, he thought I was a nurse and asked for a glass of water. At some point he had been put in a nursing home because he became too much for my grandma to handle on her own. Mostly I just have flashes of memory here and there about him, but I know I loved him and missed him when he was gone.

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Irishlass
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #4 on: Jan 15^th, 2004, 1:44pm »

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on Jan 15^th, 2004, 11:50am, luci wrote:

Now she is like a little child and I am the Molther.

Sorry if this sounds so sad, but I miss my Mother

Oh, luci, did you make this post or did I? I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out because your words are my words.

A lot of you already know, for the past year or so, things with my parents have been awful. My dad is 89 and my mom is 87. So far, my brother and I have been able to let them stay in their own home with a lot of help (especially from my brother who lives within a 1/4 of a mile from them) from us. Dad is mentally sharp, thank God, buy physically very frail. Mom had been physically okay until she fell and broke her leg in late October, that has healed now, but she is still using a walker. But Mom's mind, on the other hand, sounds like your mother, luci. It comes and goes. When she is under stress it is worse. At one point when she was in the hospital with her leg, she thought I was my sister in law. I could go on and on here, but I think you get the picture.

I do know what you are going through and whenever you need to vent, this place is as good as any. If you ever need to talk it over 1 on 1, feel free to PM me.

Hugs to you and anyone else who is in this situation.

:grouphug:

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east
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #5 on: Jan 15^th, 2004, 2:12pm »

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luci,

you are so in my prayers and well wishes. i pray you have strength, courage, and the love that comes from all the precious memories you share to keep you going.

peace and love,

k-a

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darnchts
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #6 on: Jan 15^th, 2004, 9:43pm »

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yes..you definitely become the mom. Mom no longer would make decsions for herself of any kind cause she knew that she just couldn't. I would go home each weekend and have to chastise her about different things to keep her taking care of herself. I so remember the days when my beloved Grandmother started to go downhill and Mom had to take over the mom role to her. I never wanted the job and hated having it. My niece would call me a bully at times when she witnessed me teasing mom to get her to do things.

But I would take it all again if I still had mom so please enjoy her while you can. It is so hard and I know that..but one day she will be gone and that is even harder.

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luci
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #7 on: Jan 16^th, 2004, 8:13am »

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Thanks to all of you for your kind replies. I do appreciate your words on this subject, for I know I'm not alone in this area of my life.

Mother did ask me yesterday morning if she could take her dresser, then I realized she thought I was taking her there forever. I assured that in a few days we could be back to get her, that I was not going to leave her.

Ok, I'm out of here and as our doctor said, for a much deserved vacation.

Thanks again Kiss

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
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MzWings
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #8 on: Jan 18^th, 2004, 11:33pm »

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The scariest part of Alzheimer's or dementia/seniality, for me, is that sometimes - if for only a few seconds - they "come back". Daddy would do that and when he did, his facial expressions and eyes were full of life. Usually, he would be angry for those short moments during reality - "Oh Sharon, why are you saying that?" and baddabing, baddaboom, he would be gone again. My aunt (Daddy's sister) died from complications due to Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's doesn't take just the mind, it takes the body too....due to the plaque clogging important areas in the brain which control thinking processes and bodily functions. This disease is deplorable.

So, Luci - I'm glad you and yours are on this trip. More serious considerations might have to be made about your mom in the next few months so this vacations is Heaven-sent.

I can say the same most likely, for IL's parents. My mom doesn't have Alzheimer's but her mental capacities are failing quite a bit. She has COPD and CHF.

Thinking back about what I've dealt with for these past few years, I pray to the Lord that I won't be like that for my kids to deal with.

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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

luci
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #9 on: Jan 22^nd, 2004, 6:12pm »

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Thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts. I know so many of you are going through this or have been or are at this time also.

We've just returned about an hour ago. I did call and check on Mother. She thought I was coming to get her on Wednesday and told the nurse that I came the night before and she told me just to go home for she was already in bed and get her the next day.
This is just so sad. She did tell the nurse today that there is no place like home. Guess she misses us Grin

We'll go after her tomorrow but we needed a wind down night home alone. Know what I mean?

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
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Rhune
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #10 on: Jan 22^nd, 2004, 11:54pm »

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I know exactly what you mean. I always need a day to wind down before we go back to work, after a trip away... to sleep off the jet lag, etc.

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MzWings
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #11 on: Jan 23^rd, 2004, 5:17pm »

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On this past Wednesday night, I watched "Forgetting: A Portrait of Alzheimer's" on PBS. If you see this special, try to watch it. It gives some clues on the "whys" and "hows" of Alzheimer's.

This disease runs in my dad's side of the family....too close for company. If I don't have it, it could be passed on to my children, and so on. Everytime I forget something - a word or a phrase - or wonder why I walked from here to somewhere else.....! Spooky.

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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

luci
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #12 on: Jan 23^rd, 2004, 11:15pm »

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We asked our family doctor what we both could do to prevent us from getting like my Mom is now? His answer, take an aspirin daily, vitamin C, vitamin E, without fail. We'll know in a few years if this works or not!

I bought her a box of sugar free candy to have in her room while we were gone. When I went to get her today she told me two girls stole her box of candy and the other two packages also. When we got home and I started unpacking a shopping bag, there was the box of candy.

On a lighter note, as I wheeled her down the hallway to the car, we passed a closed door of one of the residents, she pointed to the door and said,
"an old bitch lives there!" I broke into laughter for this ws so funny to hear her say this and I'm not sure if she even ever saw the person who does live in that room or not!
I can tell she is going down faster and faster. We all went out for dinner and got home before 6 P.M. and she immediately went to bed, which is how she has been doing lately. More and more, off to bed very early and she always was a night owl.

Dang, this laptop just cannot type with errors! Roll Eyes

« Last Edit: Jan 23^rd, 2004, 11:18pm by luci »

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
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luci
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #13 on: Feb 6^th, 2004, 8:20pm »

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Tonight I have a very heavy heart. We had a conference with the doctor this afternoon. Upon his advice, her records and the records from the phychiatrist that evaluated her in the fall, we will begin to search for a suitable nursing home.

Her behavior has become more eratic, plus to the violent stage if she does not agree with what is said to her or just does not want to do something.

She constantly paces, packs and repacks, until I hid her suitcase upstairs. The incontinence has become worse, and you folks with parents like this know what I mean. I've only stated a few things, for as you all know there is much, much more.

She's been with us 9 months and our doctor told us he thought we have done extremely well to have her this long, for with all his alzheimer's patients, she is the worst he has seen so far.

Never would I have believed anyone if they had told me my Mom would forget to wash her face, brush her teeth or put the same clothes back on the next day. What a horrible desease and end to a productive, active life.
Alzheimers shows no mercy!

« Last Edit: Feb 6^th, 2004, 8:25pm by luci »

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
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Rhune
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Re: Can We Talk?
« Reply #14 on: Feb 7^th, 2004, 1:08am »

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You're a good daughter, Luci. You did what you could.

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