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Topic: Golf Jokes (Read 164 times)

luci
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Golf Jokes
« on: Jan 24^th, 2004, 11:36am »

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> > Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the
> > treatment
> > > of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon,the Prime
> > > Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a
> > > friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their
> > > representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit
> shared
> > > by the Catholics and the Jews.
> > >
> > > The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the
proposal.
> > >
> > > "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to
> challenge
> > > you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete.
I
> am
> > > afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
> > >
> > > The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in
> his
> > > life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
> > >
> > > "None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
> > "there
> > > is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout
> > > Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to
play
> > Mr.
> > > Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our
> > > spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.
> > >
> > > Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of
> course,
> > > Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the
> > Pope.
> > >
> > > The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the
> > Pope
> > > of the result.
> > >
> > > "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the
> golfer.
> > > "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
> > >
> > > "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have
> played
> > > some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I
have
> > > ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives
> were
> > > long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting
was
> > > perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
> > >
> > > "How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
> > >
> > > Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
>

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luci
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Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #1 on: Jan 24^th, 2004, 11:38am »

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When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~Author Unknown

I've spent most of my life golfing ... the rest I've just wasted.
~Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
~Raymond Floyd

My handicap? Woods and irons.
~Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~Pete Dye

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
~Jim Bishop

I'm hitting the woods just great ... but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~Author Unknown

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.
~Gerald Ford

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
~Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
~Paul Harvey

The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.
~Ernest Hemingway

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
~Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
~Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
~Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~Jack Lemmon

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
~Joe E. Lewis

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
~Woodrow Wilson

A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
~Author Unknown

Gone golfin' ... be back dark thirty.
~Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work.
~Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
~Author Unknown

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters.
~Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~George Deukmejian

NOTE: the *BEST* one is this last one!!!

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

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luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #2 on: Jan 24^th, 2004, 11:39am »

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One day, this guy, who has been stranded all alone on a desert island for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. It's certainly not a ship, he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, and then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man, is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy replies, "Oh sweet Jesus, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

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luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #3 on: Jan 24^th, 2004, 11:41am »

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To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, I have to confess something.
Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can
forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have
now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being
honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had
a sex change operation, I was a man before we met."

The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of
his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off
from the ladies' tee all these years!"

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #4 on: Jan 24^th, 2004, 11:42am »

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Top Ten Caddy Comments

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

whoops!

« Last Edit: Jan 25^th, 2004, 1:15pm by luci »

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luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #5 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:40am »

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A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times,
approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy,
can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend
in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away gambling, are you?" asks the
gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees,
would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a
home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading
for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at
your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to
see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf. "

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lakelady
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Posts: 11251

Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #6 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:56am »

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Luci! What a GREAT thread! Excuse me while I go dig around in my joke archives. I think I have every golf joke every written. Cool

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luci
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Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #7 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 10:26am »

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I keep all the golf jokes, some I wasn't sure about posting! Grin

Every one who knows me sends me jokes, for I love funny jokes, can't resist them! :laff:

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luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #8 on: Feb 2^nd, 2004, 5:58pm »

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His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have
now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being
honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had
a sex change operation, I was a man before we met."

The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of
his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off
from the ladies' tee all these years!"

IP Logged

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

lakelady
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Posts: 11251

Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #9 on: Feb 16^th, 2004, 6:25pm »

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Not a joke, but sooo true.....
for david and luci Grin

Why Golf Courses Have 18 Holes

The following is not meant to offend hockey, tennis, basketball,
football or soccer fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in
its proper perspective.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't
even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed
light:

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players
being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't beat up on each other during the game.

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season,
like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well
they play.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts,
because of another player's deal.

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the
courses on which they play.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any
tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The
cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost
around $300 or more.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back
them up.

The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the
National Football League does in two.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can
hit a baseball.

Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an
even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews
in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots
to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of
Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the
Scotch ran out.

Now you know.

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luci
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Re: Golf Jokes
« Reply #10 on: Feb 18^th, 2004, 9:08am »

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Lakelady, we, Mr L & I, loved your golf post!

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