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   Laugh with Luci!

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Topic: Laugh with Luci! (Read 952 times)

luci
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Laugh with Luci!
« on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:26am »

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1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes
back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come
back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it
just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes
your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you
had set it free....... You either married it or
gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our
bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I
heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in
vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves
completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to
wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When
you don't know what you're doing, someone else
always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along
came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for
a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then
I regain consciousness.

10.. I read this article that said the typical
symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse
buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day.

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #1 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:29am »

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> Seems God was just about done with creating the universe
> > but he had two extra
> > things left over in his bag so he decided to split them
> > between Adam and Eve.
> >
> >
> > He told them that one of the things he had left was a
> > thing that would allow
> > the owner to pee while standing up.
> >
> > "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was
> > wondering if either one
> > of you would like that."
> >
> > Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that
> > to me! I'd love to be
> > able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man
> > should be able to do.
> > Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he
> > went like an excited
> > little boy.
> >
> > So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really
> > wanted it so badly, he
> > should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed
> > him to pee while
> > standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark
> > of a tree and then
> > went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with
> > delight all the while.
> >
> > God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to
> > Eve, "Well, here's
> > the other thing and I guess you can have it."
> >
> > "What's it called?" Eve asked.
> >
> > "Brains" God said.
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #2 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:32am »

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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her underwear and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my underwear..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her underwear..."

The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her behind that read, "We will never forget you."

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #3 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:35am »

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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts
up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

luci
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Gender:

Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #4 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:38am »

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> > > > So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning
> > heavily
> > > >against a wall.
> > > > > The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the
> > wall?"
> > > > >
> > > > > The clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something
> > for
> > > >his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him
> > > > > an entire bottle of laxative."
> > > > >
> > > > > The owner goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a bottle
of
> > > >laxatives!"
> > > > >
> > > > > The clerk goes "Of course you can!
> > > > >
> > > > > Look at him; he's afraid to cough
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > >
> > > __________

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #5 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:44am »

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DISCLAIMER: The :devil:

made me post this one Grin

Subject: RE: Technology

Three men are sitting (wrapped in towels) in the sauna. Suddenly there is a
beeping sound. Tim presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others
look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. Max lifts
his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand." Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out
of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper
emerging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows. With the best
poker face he can muster he explains, "I'm getting a fax."

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

luci
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Gender:

Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #6 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:47am »

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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
> her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
> nice.
> After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into
> her
> supervisor's office, tells him what the co-worker does, and that she
> wants to
> file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
> The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening
>
> about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
> The woman replies, "He's a midget."

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

MrSinister
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I lovded you piggy! I LOVDED YOUUUUU!!

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Posts: 46

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #7 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 3:53pm »

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on Jan 25^th, 2004, 9:29am, luci wrote:

You know why the doctor spanks children when they're born?

The "unit" falls of the dumb ones.

Lips Sealed

« Last Edit: Jan 25^th, 2004, 3:54pm by MrSinister »

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"Cats land on their feet, toast lands butter side down. Cats with toast strapped to their backs hover above the ground in a state of quantum indecision."

My those that Love us, Love us. Those That don't love us, may god turn their hearts. If he cannot turn their hearts, then may he turn their ankles so we will know them by their limp.

azure
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Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #8 on: Jan 25^th, 2004, 4:52pm »

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mr sinister

and lol luci, thanks for sharing

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HELLO EVERYBODY!!

luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #9 on: Jan 26^th, 2004, 2:44pm »

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To all who come to this thread, I started this to give all of us a chance to laugh! Please do not post anything negative, for this is to be a happy thread.

We ladies have put up with blonde jokes, mother-in-law, and the like for years. It is time for us to have a laugh. Now you may start your own thread with your own thoughts, whatever, just don't post any negative thoughts here.
Please & thank you Kiss

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

luci
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Gender:

Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #10 on: Jan 26^th, 2004, 2:45pm »

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If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
> bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
> days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and
clever,
> not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host
> asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you
> won't know who some of these people are. Even if you don't know
them....some
> of the answers are hysterical
>
> Q. Do female frogs croak?
> A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>
> Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
> be?
> A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>
> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
> A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>
> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
> woman?
> A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>
> Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that
> he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
> A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
>
> Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
> A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>
> Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
> A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
>
> Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
> any during the first year?
> A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
>
> Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
> A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
>
> Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
> One is politics, what is the other?
> A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
>
> Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
> do?
> A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
> habit of kissing a lot of people?
> A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
>
> Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
> What was he trying to do?
> A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
>
> Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
> elephant?
> A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
>
> Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
> A. Charley Weaver. I'll lend the car, the rest is up to him.
>
>

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

MrSinister
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I lovded you piggy! I LOVDED YOUUUUU!!

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Posts: 46

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #11 on: Jan 26^th, 2004, 3:50pm »

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on Jan 26^th, 2004, 2:44pm, luci wrote:

Sorry Luci, I didn't intend for it to come across as negative. I meant it to be playful. Should have used more smiley faces. heheh
Grin

« Last Edit: Jan 26^th, 2004, 3:51pm by MrSinister »

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azure
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Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #12 on: Jan 26^th, 2004, 4:25pm »

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oops I didnt take it negatively mr sinister, thought it was a joke

sorry luci

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HELLO EVERYBODY!!

luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #13 on: Jan 26^th, 2004, 6:51pm »

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Yep, those smiley faces do help keep us out of a mess of troubles! That is I hope they do!

I personally just want to keep it light and laugh! Goodness knows I need laughter these days. If you want to know why, read threads and post from the fall of 2003!
We're into positive and happy! It is essential our health! Grin

So let's read jokes and laugh everyone :tup:

« Last Edit: Jan 27^th, 2004, 11:08am by luci »

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
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luci
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Posts: 12045

Re: Laugh with Luci!
« Reply #14 on: Jan 27^th, 2004, 11:08am »

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
> behind
> him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.
> "What was that for?" he asked.
> "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary
> Lou
> written on it," she replied.
> "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of
> he
> horses I bet on," he explained.
> Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have know there was a good
> explanation,"
> Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and
> hit
> him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked
> him
> out cold.
> When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
> She replied "Your horse called."
>
>
>
>
>
>

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