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   Visitor's Guide to Birmingham

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Topic: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham (Read 494 times)

lakelady
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Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« on: May 14^th, 2004, 2:56pm »

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Visitor's Guide to Birmingham

You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Burmin'ham".

Driving Information:

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.

1. Burmin'ham has its own version of traffic rules...the truck with the
loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest
tires
goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right
of
way anytime.)

2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where
"malfunction junction" is...which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning
and
the end. It is one of only two "cloverleaf" formation interchanges in
the
world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to
implement it again -Atlanta- making them dumber than we are.

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour
is
from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

4. If the term "merging delays" is ever used by the person reporting
the
traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will
be at
least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very
least)
rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and
female
drivers alike.

6. You must know that "I-459", "I-59", "I-20", and "I-65" are the same
road
they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to confuse
outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.

Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before you get
on
any of these 'roads' to travel somewhere. If it is a race weekend, stay
home or go to the races. You won't be going anywhere else.

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin'ham. The barrels are
moved
around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit
more
exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, pieces of other cars,
opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or
vultures
feeding on any of these items.

9 . If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder
immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated".

10. The minimum acceptable speed on "I-65" (see item 6 above) is 85
mph.
Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama's State
Highway Sponsored version of NASCAR. Especially during rush hour (see
item
4 above) when it's 85 and everyone in the city is driving at once,
bumper
to bumper.

11. Never honk at anyone. Never, ever!! Seriously!

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you
are
considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped a bird" accordingly.

13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city
driving.

14. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is
applying make up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and
maintaining
a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic.

If she is coming from North of Burmin'ham she might be packing. If she
is
coming from South of Burmin'ham she IS packing and is not afraid to use
it.

Weather Information:

If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Burmin'ham
residents consider this "demolition derby" day and will be all over the
roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution as you
could be their next target.

Seasonal Information:

If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

If you need to let the car "get some air" standing next to it with the
doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to
crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving
55 mph, it is Fall.

If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.

General Information:

If anyone offers you "chitlins" or "fat back" just say "No thank you".

Do not ever speak during the song "Sweet Home Alabama" unless it is to
sing
along with the lyrics. This is like the State Song and will erupt in a
brawl if everyone doesn't show "proper respect" to the band who gave us
"Free Bird". This is especially true if alcohol is present. (Notice I
didn't say "sold at this event" but present.)

Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that
funny to
us anymore.

If you ask someone for a "coke", they will immediately ask you "what
kind"?
This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.
Pepper,
Root Beer-it's all "coke".

All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you have crossed the Mason Dixon
Line
and are in the North.

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kelby
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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #1 on: May 14^th, 2004, 3:20pm »

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Very funny LL, and good to know...but tell me if you could...what are 'chitlins' or 'fatback'...I thought 'chitlins' referred to children?!...no?

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lakelady
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Posts: 11251

Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #2 on: May 14^th, 2004, 3:23pm »

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chitˇterˇlings also chitˇlins or chitˇlings: The small intestines of pigs, especially when cooked and eaten as food

Fatback: The strip of fat from the upper part of a side of pork, usually dried and salt-cured.

:rofl:

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kelby
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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #3 on: May 14^th, 2004, 3:27pm »

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well , again good to know....I told you I would need a canadian /southern dictionary'eh'?!

And the 'coke' thing is interesting as well...
nice post LL

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BigKen250
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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #4 on: May 14^th, 2004, 3:34pm »

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Love it!!!! NASCAR!!! WooHoo!!!! Cool

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lakelady
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Posts: 11251

Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #5 on: May 14^th, 2004, 3:36pm »

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I KNEW that Nascar comment would get his attention. Wink

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BigKen250
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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #6 on: May 14^th, 2004, 3:39pm »

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Drat!!! I hate being predictable!!! Undecided

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chickmama
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Eat more Chicken

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Posts: 1159

Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #7 on: May 14^th, 2004, 4:24pm »

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Lol Lakelady, It almost sounds like Texas! In Bumpers manly thread, I made a comment about a "soda pop". I did that very consiously, because we only say "Coke" down here. Grin

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Pau
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Proud to be Filipino!

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Posts: 3042

Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #8 on: May 14^th, 2004, 9:00pm »

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LL... that was funny.... :laff:

and with the 'coke' thing... it is also common here specially in the provinces...

they would say...'Ms can I have a 'coke' yung Pepsi'.... hehehe...

or... 'Ms. can I buy a 'colgate' yung CloseUp

or... 'I'd like a 'kodak'... 'Fuji' brand please... Grin

so... Sweet Home is very.. very.. respected.. ehh... Grin

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Check out my travel blogs at http://www.pautravels.com

lakelady
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Posts: 11251

Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #9 on: May 15^th, 2004, 12:01am »

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Rupey
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Can't top Pearl Islands!

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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #10 on: May 15^th, 2004, 12:14am »

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Ditto the "coke" and sweet tea thing around these parts.

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"Lord, please make me the person my dog thinks I am."

lakelady
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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #11 on: May 15^th, 2004, 12:42am »

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I hear ya Rupe and boy is that ever so true! Sweet tea RULES.

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seaglass
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lobsters, lighthouses, L.L.Bean

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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #12 on: May 15^th, 2004, 4:30pm »

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does the tea have to be sweetened with real sugar or are artifical sweeteners allowed? Just checking, I plan to visit some day soon.

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lakelady
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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #13 on: May 15^th, 2004, 9:15pm »

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sea, I make only sweet tea for myself. I would happily make a quart without so you could sweeten as you may. I keep the pink stuff around for my coffee.

Would you like it with a side of chitlins? :rofl:

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Rupey
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Can't top Pearl Islands!

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Re: Visitor's Guide to Birmingham
« Reply #14 on: May 15^th, 2004, 9:20pm »

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At home, my spouse makes our ice tea with artificial sweetner because we drink so much of it. However, I loved the sugar-sweet version in restaurants. There is one place in town that serves their sweet tea with lots of crushed ice. It's almost like drinking a tea-flavored Slurpee!

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"Lord, please make me the person my dog thinks I am."

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