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Metropolis Reality Forums Ť Letter to the Bank ť

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   Letter to the Bank

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Topic: Letter to the Bank (Read 220 times)

lakelady
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Posts: 11251

Letter to the Bank
« on: Nov 11^th, 2004, 5:15pm »

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The letter to the bank below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
an 80 year old woman. It is one I wish I'd written; it touches on all the
"hot buttons" for us ALL, in this current world of total automation.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New
York Times.

"Dear Sir:

"I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

"My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I
am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.

"From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached in Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

"As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
the playing field even further. "When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be; communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

"The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

"May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,

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