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   Senior Jokes-March 23, 2005

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Topic: Senior Jokes-March 23, 2005 (Read 1359 times)

luci
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Senior Jokes-March 23, 2005
« on: Feb 3^rd, 2005, 12:17pm »

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An older nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches
in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake,
she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some butthole's got my pen"
************************************************************************ **
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure."
************************************************************************ ****
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
************************************************************************ ****
**********************
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years
older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,
"Hardly worth going home, is it?"
************************************************************************ ****
**********************
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new
knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia. I
have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have
my drivers license!
************************************************************************ ****
**********************
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think
your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied
the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
************************************************************************ ****
**********************
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her
rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi
exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week

« Last Edit: Mar 23^rd, 2005, 9:30pm by luci »

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Insane 4 Survivor
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Re: Senior Jokes
« Reply #1 on: Feb 3^rd, 2005, 3:48pm »

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on Feb 3^rd, 2005, 12:17pm, luci wrote:

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new
knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia. I
have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have
my drivers license!

I think that all persons that resemble this live here in Phoenix!!!

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JP
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Re: Senior Jokes
« Reply #2 on: Feb 5^th, 2005, 9:39am »

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Colleen
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Re: Senior Jokes
« Reply #3 on: Feb 5^th, 2005, 12:22pm »

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Rachel
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Re: Senior Jokes
« Reply #4 on: Feb 5^th, 2005, 5:52pm »

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reminds me of Spokane drivers... we have so many elderly people here who should not have their driver's licenses any more!

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Palpatine
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Re: Senior Jokes
« Reply #5 on: Feb 5^th, 2005, 6:42pm »

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Great work Luci. Cool

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Rhune
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Re: Senior Jokes
« Reply #6 on: Feb 5^th, 2005, 6:46pm »

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When I was in high school, a friend of mine told me about her Aunt who lived in California and has glaucoma. She said it takes her 10 minutes to find the KEYHOLE to start the car, and then she gets out on the road.... :faint:

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Pocket
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Re: Senior Jokes
« Reply #7 on: Feb 6^th, 2005, 10:25am »

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This is FROM a senior.....the curmudgeon that he is

Thoughts to end 2004, by Andy Rooney:

#12 Life is sexually transmitted.

#11 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horney. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#9 Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

#8 Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

#7 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

#6 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

#5 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#4 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

#3 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#2 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblence to the first. *

And the number 1 thought for 2004: Terrorists come to AMerica legally and hang around on expired visas for as long as 10-15 years. Now take Blockbuster----you're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you---I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of our immigration.**

* Where did I hear this before? It's quoted everywhere.
** Written before the new Blockbuster "no late fees" campaign. Wonder if they still track you down?

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luci
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Re: Senior Jokes
« Reply #8 on: Feb 7^th, 2005, 11:58am »

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THE DEVOTED WIFE

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."