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   Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?

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Topic: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject? (Read 1087 times)

luci
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Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 5:09pm »

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What have you done, what would you do if you are abused physically and verbally by your husband/boyfriend?
We talk about everythng in this Forum but never have we adressed this issue and how it affects people.

Recent news in our area about a 7 month pregnant woman and her 7 yr old son being killed by the Father of the unborn baby has brought this heartwrenching story to my attention.
He married another two months ago, had a friend drop him off at former girlfriend's house, they argued. She kicked him, he punched her in the face several times, breaking her nose and sending blood all over the carpet. knocked her to the floor and smothered her.

The son came in and was screaming, seeing his Mother in this condition and the guy smothers him as well.

Ok, so she hit first! A 5'2" 7 month pregnant woman kicks a big guy and he kills her?
For her kicking him in the shin, she deserves to die?

Now this irresponsible grown male won't have to support his baby, but has taken the lives of three people, ruined his life and that of his new bride of two months. Not to mention his parents and how they must be devastated knowing their son committed this crime.

Women, we are not put on this earth to be abused, either verbally or physically.
If any of you who may read this are in this kind of relationship, get out now!
If it is a boyfriend, end the relationship now, for it will only get worse.

This subject is a serious one and so many women in America are abused, and by men in all types of education and income.

Should this be happening to you on any level, get out now before you become a statistic!

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lakelady
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #1 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 5:24pm »

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That's an easy one for me luci. No to all of them.
My father was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. After my mother divorced him when I was 6, it only got worse. In his later years and up until his death, he was still emotionally and verbally abusive. All of this due to alcohol.

If a man ever even RAISED HIS VOICE to me I was out the door. I just don't do conflict. I'm happy to be alone now and not putting up with any crap. It will take a "gentle giant" for me to ever settle down.

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Rachel
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #2 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 6:25pm »

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No to all of the above. However, I was in an abusive relationship in my early high school years. I made the mistake of never pressing charges and the statute of limitations ran out before I was able to speak up for myself. My message to everyone is to leave the man and press charges or talk to someone. The chain of violence needs to be broken, and the steps to stop it must be taken.

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Rhune
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #3 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 6:33pm »

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Luci,

I added/changed a couple options on there to cover the whole gamut. Since I have known personally at least two men who have been abused by their wives I also changed it to be less gender specific. I added and selected, I have been verbally/emotionally abused in the past. While I was never struck by him, my first husband was quite verbally/emotionally abusive at times and I put up with it for far too long before coming to my senses.

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AoM
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #4 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 7:20pm »

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I am so very lucky. My bf would never ever abuse me in any way. Sure we fight, but it never becomes physical.

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Colleen
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #5 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 7:28pm »

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no to all of the above. My b/f and i have been togeter for 2 and half yrs and he has only been mad at me once. He just walked away, once he calmed down we talked and all was good. Im lucky he doesnt have a temper, he treats me like gold. What would I do if that were to change, well I would hopefull press charges and get out.

However, my next door neighbour is being abused by her b/f, how do i know, well I hear the screams. We went over to her apartment on one occassion to see if she was ok and she wouldnt answer the door. I was pretty freaked. THe next time i seen her I told her to come over anytime. Now she wont even talk to my b/f or I. I think the reason for that is becuse her b/f may have told her not to talk to us. They fought again last night, my b/f went and stopped it all. The only thing is, is there is nothing we can do. I called a help line and they said that inless she presses charges or leaves there is nothing that can be done in less he hurts her so bad that she cant speak for her self and the police just press the charges. This drives me crazy. I told her again yesturday that if she needs our phone or if things get out of hand to come by. Not sure what eles to do except to be here incase she needs us.

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Rhune
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #6 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 7:45pm »

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She's too deep in the dysfunction to walk away most likely. This is why many states have passed laws allowing them to arrest abusers whether the other person wants to press charges or not. My best suggestion would be to contact the local battered women's shelter and see if they have any suggestions or if nothing else to give them a heads up about this gal. Maybe they will send someone over to talk to her, or send her some pamphlets that will help her leave. As frustrating as it is, you are doing the right thing by not just walking away and pretending like you hear nothing.

« Last Edit: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 7:45pm by Rhune »

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luci
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #7 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 8:06pm »

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No is my answser to all the above also Cool

If it were a yes, then I probably wouldn't have started the thread, since abused women don't want to admit or talk about the abuse.

And yes, I was abused by a former husband [now deceased] also! My Dad was such a kind, gentle man and he would never hurt my Mother or me, let alone verbally abuse us.
I grew up in such a peaceful, sheltered home that when this happened to me,
I thought I'd done something wrong. Each time I would think about what I had done to cause it.
Ladies/Men, one doesn't have to do anything! These people are emotionally sick individuals who have low or no self esteem. The only way to feel good about themselves is to try and bring others down. Then, they still don't feel good!

We were married 8 years, yes, EIGHT, before I would say one word to anyone.
I tried to hide it and my bruises from my parents, family members and our friends. Talk about indenial! After each time, he would sit down and cry like a baby, then I would feel sorry for him, forgetting myself.
And anyone wonders why I was single SEVEN years? I had no plans to ever marry again, for I promised myself no one would ever treat me in this manner again. My parents didn't put me in this world for some badass ogre to be mean
to their only child!

Thankful is the word for getting out of that marriage. I loved being a wife, homemaker, raising my children, so taking that first step was very difficult for me.
I'm one of the lucky ones to have walked away from it and continue my life and have a happy marriage now.

If I thought my son or daughter was in an abusive relationship, you can believe I would be right in the middle to get them out of it.

There isn't a woman in the world that can take up for herself against a man, since they are larger and stronger by gender. All a man has to do, most of the time, is grab a woman's hands to stop her.

This is a very serious issue in our country and we need to take steps to help stop it.
Soon after we moved into this house a young woman appeared at our front door with blood on her hand. I managed to keep her there and get to the phone and call the police. Abuse had happpened at her home, what or which one of them I never knew, but the policeman told us when they are called out on a disturbance to a home, one of the two parties go to jail, if not both!

Neeloc, I will say to you and your boyfriend, DO NOT get involved, but DO CALL the police the next time you hear it going on. You could save a life!

As for the murder in the DFW area with the young woman and her son, I am so angry. All this killer brute had to do was hold her wrists and nothign more. He didn't have to hit her in the face several times and smother her. Or her son Cry

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Pocket
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #8 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 8:52pm »

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While I have never been physically abused, when we were younger, my husband, in an argument, would go on and on till I wanted to hit HIM. Each repeat was louder and angrier. He has mellowed so much since that time. I've come to believe that he didn't know how to have a "fight".....by that, I mean an argument. He thought he had to keep repeating himself until I gave up or gave in. Now, on the rare occasions when we argue, we both give our sides. There are times we can't find a middle ground, then we have to agree to disagree.

The problem of so many women being killed....so many pregnant women, makes me sick. I don't understand. Do some men feel so trapped by a woman's pregnancy that they go beserk? If so, it's stupid. Birth control is BOTH partners' responsibility. Murder is no answer to a problem.

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Rhune
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #9 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 9:11pm »

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Pregnancy is often the *most* dangerous time in an abused woman's life.

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luci
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #10 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 9:47pm »

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.........and it should be the happiest time! It was for me so this part I do not understand at all!

However, abusiveness during pregnancy is not what I'm talking about, it is the abuse that takes place each hour all across the USA against women that aren't pregnant.

Had I not been so hurt and embarrassed about how I was treated, I could have gone on the lecture circuit and made a small fortune. In the 60's, 70's this subject was not discussed.

Whether you are an abused wife or husband, GET OUT and NOW, for your own safety, sanity and self respect. Life will not be over, only just beginning Grin

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"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and
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Colleen
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #11 on: Feb 23^rd, 2005, 11:04pm »

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I decided to call another number, I called our local Crisis Center. They told me not to get involed but to call the police if and when I hear more abuse. I was under the understanding that if the women didnt place charges here in Ontario that nothing could be done, but if the police can visablely see that some was harmed then they can and will arrest. Its stll sucks tho becuse the chances of that happening are slim. I know that sounds bad but true. Its hard hearing her in destress and knowing that she will just allow it again. I just hate it. I will call the police next time.

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luci
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #12 on: Feb 24^th, 2005, 9:07am »

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That is all you can do, for the percentages of people being hurt or killed that try to help are very high.

As the policemen told us when they came to get the runaway wife a few yers ago, when they are called out on a domestic disturbance, one or both go to jail.
It's time................

I do hope more of you will come in and post on this subject, which goes back to my thinking that abuse is still a taboo subject and swept under the rug for no one wants to admit or talk about this horror.

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luci
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #13 on: Feb 26^th, 2005, 9:52am »

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As I am now getting emails on this subject, I want to keep it goimg for a while and would appreciate others posting your thoughts or experiences.

One can POO POO it off if you want, but this is a serious subject and happens daily in the USA.

Come on in and post, we won't tell anyone else what you say Lips Sealed

« Last Edit: Feb 26^th, 2005, 10:57am by luci »

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Rhune
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Re: Ladies, Can We Talk About This Subject?
« Reply #14 on: Feb 26^th, 2005, 10:53am »

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It's a very serious subject and it's important for people to recognize when they are caught in that cycle of abuse, even if it hasn't escallated to hitting yet.

Cycle of Abuse
For many partners, violent incidents follow a predictable pattern.

Phase 1
Tension-Building is a time of minor conflicts when threats of violence may increase. This phase may last from a few hours to many months.

Phase 2
Violence erupts as the abuser throws objects at his or her partner, hits, slaps, kicks, chokes, abuses him or her sexually, or uses weapons. Once the attack starts, there's little the victim can do to stop it; there generally are no witnesses.

Phase 3
A period of remorse may follow. This is often called the "Honeymoon" phase. The abuser may apologize, often excessively, and may express guilt or shame. Many abusers will buy gifts, flowers, etc. so that the victim will forgive the abuse. Oftentimes the abuser will promise to go into treatment voluntarily, that the violence will never occur again, and that he or she will "Change".

Phase 4
Phase 1 starts all over again. However, the next time the assault occurs, chances are it will be much more severe.

Is this your situation?

1. Does your intimate partner act one way at home and another way when out in public?
2. Was your intimate partner physically or psychologically abused as a child? Did the person observe abusive behavior between parents?
3. Does the person lose his or her temper frequently and more easily than seems necessary? Is your property destroyed?
4. Does the person threaten you?
5. Does the person spend a lot of time with guns or other weapons?
6. Does the person commit acts of violence against objects and things rather than people? Is there cruelty to animals?
7. Does the person limit you involvement outside the home? Is there jealousy of significant other people in your life?
8. Does the person become very angry when you do not listen to his or her advice?
9. Does the person make you feel guilty? Humiliated?
10. Does not making him or her angry become an important part of your behavior?
11. Do you think or feel you are being controlled?

« Last Edit: Feb 26^th, 2005, 10:55am by Rhune »

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