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Topic: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Dogs (Read 2688 times)

Insane 4 Survivor
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Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - Dogs
« on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 2:31pm »

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It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers! The girl replied, How did you know?"

Just a lucky guess, she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, Just a lucky guess.'

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, No. She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily, A puppy!

« Last Edit: Apr 28^th, 2005, 8:47am by Insane 4 Survivor »

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #1 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 2:32pm »

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At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #2 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 2:35pm »

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #3 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 2:36pm »

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These are actual excuse notes from parents to the school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, what do you think?

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

JP
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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #4 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 2:40pm »

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lovetrivia
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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #5 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 4:22pm »

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I needed to come home, find this post and laugh - thank you so much for sharing these! (I am a teacher and today I didn't find many laughing moments Embarassed

)

but, this.... :rofl:

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Colleen
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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #6 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 4:30pm »

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The puppy one was great lol Thanks for sharing I4S Cool

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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #7 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 5:48pm »

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Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
Pupil: All of them !

Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !

Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a dollar, what would each bun be ?
Pupil: Stale !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Teacher: What is "can't" short for ?
Pupil: Can not miss.

Teacher: and what is "don't" short for
Pupil: Doughnut !

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is ?
Pupil: Lassie !

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir !

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #8 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 5:48pm »

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BIOLOGY EXAM
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #9 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 5:50pm »

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A Visit to Zoo
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had the day off from school.

They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a disturbance.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

lovetrivia
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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #10 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 6:10pm »

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Thank you! Cool

Thank you!
:rofl:

I laughed even harder - almost getting tears from laughing!

If I were not so tired I would share some real-life school stories, but these are probably much better, and I am not a good story teller.

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JP
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Re: Let's Laugh!
« Reply #11 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 7:32pm »

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on Apr 19^th, 2005, 5:48pm, Insane_4_Survivor wrote:

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!

I find this the funniest! Ain't that true! :laff:

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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - School
« Reply #12 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 7:49pm »

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Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

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Colleen
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - School
« Reply #13 on: Apr 19^th, 2005, 11:32pm »

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Those are all great Cool

Thanks for sharing

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Insane 4 Survivor
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Re: Let's Laugh! Todays Topic - New Parents
« Reply #14 on: Apr 20^th, 2005, 8:35am »

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Questions and Answers for New Parents

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra

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