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Clueless 'Joe' Gets His Wishy-Washy Gal
« on: Nov 25th, 2003, 2:51pm » |
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Clueless 'Joe' Gets His Wishy-Washy Gal
(Monday, November 24 09:58 PM)
By Brill Bundy
LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) - The finale of "The Next Joe Millionaire: An International Affair" (Monday, Nov. 24) raises a very Zen question: If a not-particularly-bright cowboy pretends to have $80 million in order to woo several not-particularly-bright Europeans and nobody watches, does anyone care?
The answer, dear reader, is "of course not," but FOX still has a schedule to fill, and, quite frankly, with last week's reappearance of Linda we got mildly interested in seeing the outcome. Not as interested as we are in seeing Ephram and Madison continue their March/April romance on "Everwood," but enough so that here we are taking notes.
Down to the final two, Cat is exploiting Linda's stunning naivete by playing the whole "I've been here from the start, and you just came back" card. Linda feels guilt thinking that Cat has had feelings for David this whole time. After all, she's sure that Cat's sincere because she took a bath with him, and thus knows that "he has a nice body."
It's a wonder Linda hasn't been sold into white slavery yet.
"How did it ever come to this?" asks David as he holds his brow, warding off the "I've-told-too-many-lies-to-too-many-girls" headache special.
This is the show's cue to do a seven-minute montage recapping the series thus far, for those who missed some (or, more likely, all) of it, or those devoted few who just can't get enough bitchy Olinda clips.
After that's over, Linda muses about how she's found what she's looking for, but she still doesn't know if David loves her.
Butler Paul thinks Linda is gentle and a lady who genuinely cares about other people. As she writes in her journal waiting for David to meet her for their final date, Paul calls her intelligent and ... hey ... what's with the shot of a spoon dripping honey into a teacup?
Linda and David go on a picnic. He's worried that once he fesses up to all the lies she will reject him again. She picks up that something is amiss and says he's acting strange and she's not feeling comfortable. She tries to salvage things by telling him that he makes her feel like a lady. She fondly strokes the diamond bracelet on her arm. He feels like less of a man (or "guy," in his vernacular).
"It ain't right," he aptly observes.
Back at the villa, Cat talks about David as if he's already gone and she's the wrongly spurned lover. She stresses that he always had fun on their dates, that they have mucho chemistry and that they're attracted to each other.
"I think he likes me the most," she insists.
That night during her last date with David, Cat pulls out all the stops. She tells him that she's been dreaming about horse riding (and all that that implies), she's willing to move to Texas and that their date in Capri where they ended up in bubbles with glasses of champagne was her favorite.
She brings him a CD that she says is special to her. We can't tell what it is, but the ugly tie-dye rainbow cover doesn't instill a lot of confidence.
Things come to a bit of a halt though when she says that her perfect man would "just be honest."
Even stranger is that Cat suddenly has a character metamorphosis. She tells the camera that David "seems really sad" and "I really love him, and I really worry about him."
Really?
The next morning at breakfast, Cat tersely observes, "We are in a horror movie."
"Come on, it's a fairy tale," chirps Linda.
"There are no happy movies," intones Cat, the sudden voice of doom.
Inconsequential hostess Samantha pops by to tell the girls that David will be presenting one of them with a promise ring later on. This leads to more confusion than it does excitement, since neither of them have any clue as to what a promise ring is.
"Is it like an engagement ring?" Linda wonders.
"That sounds good. I think that's it," Cat replies.
David sits down with Cat first. He walks in with a dozen white roses and notices that she's wearing the $1,000 belt he bought her. She looks like she's about to be shot, and as regular viewers of these shows we know that being first is never a good sign.
"I don't mean this bad, but, like, I didn't choose you Cat," David finally manages to stammer, before feebly telling her that if she ever gets out Texas way she should look him up.
Cat leaves her flowers on the sofa.
Linda is next. While she -- and we're -- waiting for David to show up, we wonder why it is the women were told to bring their purses with them for their conversation. Maybe it's a European thing.
David doesn't bring flowers this time. He walks in with his hat in hand and tells Linda that she's an angel. He tells her that she's the one and then gives her a wadded up note he wrote for her that he says that they can both put their faith in God to make a long distance relationship work.
Linda is thrilled, but David isn't making eye contact anymore. The horse is out of the barn, so to speak, so he rushes through the bit about not having millions of dollars. Linda appears more bewildered than upset, but before she can respond Paul comes in and hustles her out of the room.
We are left in the dark with a bunch of edited footage that appears to be from totally irrelevant interviews designed to make us think Linda is tortured by the decision she must make before she has to either meet David that night or leave him hanging.
We're left wondering: How the hell are they going to fill another 38 minutes?
This question becomes even more pressing when Linda doesn't show up to meet David. Minutes go by. The quartet members look at each other uncomfortably. David squirms. Paul goes to look for Linda. He comes back alone.
Cut to another commercial. Thirty-two minutes to go.
Paul informs David that Linda isn't coming.
"Well, I guess I don't need that," David says, handing Paul the ring and gazing at the floor.
David decides that he doesn't blame Linda. She's a pure girl and he's sure it's not about the money, but rather about the lies in general. Paul says nothing. The two men stand around some more. The flute player looks like she's wondering if she's going to get paid. Paul finally coaxes David back inside and shuts the doors.
Back in Austin with 24 minutes to go, David picks up his luggage and is driven to a ranch (not his) where the show has brought him to reacclimate. Yeah, you heard us. Nothing suspicious about that. They have also brought in his horse, which David quickly mounts and starts telling about Italy.
David rides up to this Hollywood-cute house and is greeted by Paul who, big surprise has a letter from Linda that he reads aloud. She tells him that she ran away because of the lies, but that she couldn't get on the plane to go home because she hasn't been able to get him out of her head.
Okay, so who here doesn't know what's coming? Well, we're supposed to believe David doesn't. He mopes, reads the letters and looks out at the horizon oblivious to Linda who's come outside to greet him in black leather pants.
David says that he feels like the Incredible Hulk. We're not sure what he means by this, other than he has father issues and we wouldn't like him when he's angry, but he assures us that it's a good thing.
Finally, Paul springs the final "surprise" on the couple in the last 10 minutes. First, Linda is present with a check for $250,000 -- a sum of money that she can't even convert into her native currency. Then David gets the deed to the house, ranch and 90 acres of land the couple are standing on.
Then his yippee little dog comes bounding out all is right with the world.
Let's hope there's oil.
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